Unhappy New Year!

I tried bribery. I tried blackmail. I tried calling in a bomb threat.

And yet nothing worked. I was fucked, stuck working a New Year's Eve shift, a shift I'd managed to avoid for almost two decades through three different cities while working in this soul-crushing business. But thanks to Idiot Tim, our dumb, stuttering hunchback of a general manager who creates the schedule, there I was, ringing in the new year with a bunch of human trash.

How did my shift go? Go fuck yourself, that's how it went. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't take out my lingering frustrations on you, dear reader. But between the entitled teenagers and Idiot Tim and the incompetent hostess and the throngs of drunken little frat fuckers, I'm still reeling from a night of raw, fresh Hell.

To start, I forgot my flask at home. To rub salt in the wound, Idiot Tim was helping to "expedite drinks," standing at the bar all night. His assistance involved placing garnishes and straws in cocktails and yelling out which table they went to. Thanks, Idiot Tim, but we have drink tickets with table numbers and hands with opposable thumbs, so your ornamental efforts are only getting in the way. I worked (most of) the shift stone cold sober and it was the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Ever.

My first table was a group of socially stunted teenagers whose faces only registered varying degrees of annoyance. I made even less effort than usual to play nice, so when my second unsuccessful attempt to take a drink order resulted in a series of "What's he doing over here?" looks and drawn out "Uhmmmms," I snapped, "You know I'm coming over here to take your drink order because it's my job, not because it's fun, right?" Still nothing. Long story short, the 12 future MENSA members sat around for 45 minutes and didn't order anything. Because they realized, after 45 minutes, that they were at the wrong restaurant. "Wow, you all must be very bright," I said when they informed me of their mistake.

As for the hostess, it was both feast and famine. She'd either seat all five of my tables at the same time? Or act is if my section were invisible as the rest of the restaurant filled up. I stormed over there during a "feast" seating and demanded, "Is there some reason you keep seating all five of my tables at the same time when there are plenty of other sections open?" She took a look up from her phone, stared blankly into space, and just said "Right? Totally. I know."

Finally, as the hour of 2019 drew nearer, a bunch of pledges from Sigma Alpha Go Fuck Yourself sat themselves in my section. Their scents were a stew of b.o., nicotine, and weed. I made as dramatic a gesture as I could, covering my nose with my shirt, whenever I had to approach them. One genius kept ordering shots of Goldschlager, and every time he'd order the shots, I reminded him that we don't carry Goldschlager, because we're not in Switzerland, and it's not 2002. The only plus to dealing with the members of Delta Chi Shove Your Head Up Your Own Ass was that no one was keeping track of the alcohol on the tab, so mama finally got her jollies in the form of two shots of whiskey. Though not my preferred spirit, I would have downed rubbing alcohol at this point.

At 12:01, as guests were still celebrating the turn of a calendar page, Idiot Tim did the one thing I respected. He turned on the lights, not even bothering with last call, and told everyone to leave. I returned home, reunited myself with my flask, and promised myself that 2019 would be the year I leave the restaurant industry (my resolution every year since 1999).

Comments

[anne marie]

@JJ - you don't have to read this blog; get a life, moron!

[JJ]

shut up all you do is complain, get a different job if you hat it so much

[Stephen]

Good resolution, I did it before the end of last year. Took a bit of a pay cut but good God is it nice to not have to wait on another fuck face entitled human being EVER FUCKING AGAINNN!

[Leanne Tang]

Happy New Year Bitter Waiter...Chase...Best Wiater Ever! May 2019 bring you paid for but not drunk drinks from shitty tippers, free Uber rides, and holidays in your pool rather than in the weeds!

[anne marie in philly]

12/31/19 - you have other plans and will be outta town that night. the boss can go fuck himself.

[Sophie]

So hideous but it’s over now. Looking forward to reading more of your amazing blog posts

[CyniCrow]

This sucky night must have made all those in the past seem So. Much. Better. Hahahah! Also,...Sigma Alpha Go F....hilarious! I always think of you whenever I go out to eat.