I never, ever forget the faces of those who cross me.
Many years ago, before I was enslaved to the service industry, I worked at the front desk of an obnoxious, hoity toity sports club in Beverly Hills. One of the Pilates instructors, Audrey, was a real bitch. She was also a dumb bitch. She'd forget to schedule appointments or invoice her clients, and she'd always blame the front desk (fun fact, I threw my first ever - of many - work-place hissy fits complaining about her to management). She was rude, entitled, and confrontational. She'd eat other people's food in the break room, expect the front desk to let her friends in for free, and never, ever say "please" or "thank you." This won't surprise you, but I made zero effort to hide my contempt for her, which she always returned with a smug smile.
Cut to many years later, this past weekend to be exact. Audrey and a rich man she was not dating for his youth sneaked past our 30-minute wait and sat themselves in my section. We locked eyes, and in Kill Bill fashion, I heard this tune while seeing red:
Before I could tell them to G.T.F.O., her ancient meal ticket handed me a $50 bill, so I changed my perspective from one of annoyance to opportunity. The fact that she didn't seem to recognize me played to my advantage.
"Hi I'm...Sean, I'll be your server tonight," I said. "May I bring..."
"We're in a hurry," Audrey interrupted.
"Anyway, as I was trying to say, may I bring you anything to drink?" I asked with a condescending wince.
She gave me that same smug smile from so many moons ago, and they both settled on two glasses of wine. I returned a minute later with the wine, set down the glasses, but Audrey and her geriatric gentleman were too busy taking a selfie to notice. "You're welcome!" I sang, and I walked off. A minute later, Audrey waived me down.
"Yes?" my raised eyebrows said.
"We're still waiting for our wine?" she said with some 'tude while smacking some classy gum. "What's the hold up?"
As theatrically as I could, I slid the already-there wine glasses a few more inches in front of her. "Shall I bring them closer?"
"Oh," she said unfazed. "Well we're ready to order."
He (barely) ordered a cheeseburger, and she modified a flatbread to death.
"...and remember," she said before I could walk off, "I want no arugula on the flatbread."
"No arugula," I repeated.
The flatbread in question, the grilled shrimp and spinach flatbread, didn't come with arugula. I knew Audrey meant "no spinach." But I am a stickler for detail, so no arugula it was!
Cut to din din time, and I was once again summoned to Audrey's table of twatiness.
"I said no spinach," she said in an 11 on a 1-10 scale of bitchiness.
"You said no arugula," I replied in a 12 on a 1-10 scale of bitchiness.
"Well you should have known I meant no spinach, you dick!" she said.
"Aww, shall I have them remake it for you?" I purred, cool as a cucumber as I could see her blood boiling.
"Yes and you can send over the manager."
I instructed the chef to remake the flatbread, and then I summoned my years of dramatic training. With just enough evidence of tears in my eyes, I told our newest part-time manager - a bat-shit lady with an inappropriate crush on all gay men - that Audrey called me a dick. I also low-key mentioned the flatbread fuck-up. I watched as my outspoken admirer visited Audrey's table. After an animated but inaudible exchange between the two, my manager informed me that she'd refused to take the flatbread off the bill and warned Audrey that if she insulted the staff ever again, she'd be asked to leave.
A different server dealt with Audrey for the duration of her meal. But I didn't waste any opportunity to pass by her table, grinning ear to ear, settling on my deliciously manufactured victory. Small? Yes. Satisfactory? Hell yes.
entitled twatwaffle bitchcunt got what she deserved!
I too remember those people who tried to fuck me over; I ain't falling for their shit a second time and they deserve to die a slow painful horrible death.
Posted by: anne marie | January 29, 2019 at 03:55 PM
What a fucking cunt. Now all that u need is for someone to come along and pluck out both her eyes with their bare hands.
Posted by: Stephen | January 23, 2019 at 08:13 PM
I love the Kill Bill music! I hear that in my head whenever I see someone I hate which is often!!
Posted by: Carmen | January 21, 2019 at 05:38 PM