(MCKENZZY'S INNER MONOLOGUE)
Oh my God, I'm so glad we're out of the office, and I'm so glad I invited myself to dinner and drinks. Now, uninterrupted by work, I can continue telling literally everyone about my crazy drama (the B-R-E-A-K U-P with Kyle). When Devin, Jamie, Kristin, Breckenridge, Megan, and...Pool? Pao? (the I think he's Asian guy from, I feel like...marketing?) hear about my text fight, they're going to freak. I have a way of really demanding people's attention when I talk about how dramatic my life is, like...do you know what I mean?
Wait, is the booth next to us bigger? I want the bigger booth even though we have plenty of room. I am going to throw a fit if they don't let us move to the bigger booth. Oh so they're totally cool with it. Damn. I really wanted to be confrontational, because I love attention.
Geez, this waiter seems uptight. But goddamn, he's REALLY good-looking. He's totally gay, and I'd say 29 at most. Anyways he's going to LOVE me. Gay men LOVE listening to me.
Hmm, what do I want to drink? I'm going to embellish running my fingers through my hair while I take a slow, precious look at the drink menu. I want something kind of different that's, like, not what everyone else is getting, something creative and outside the box, like...do you know what I mean? Oh the Moscow Mule is only $8 I'm getting that.
I should take whatever Jamie says next and find a way to make it about me so I can tell everyone about my latest drama with Kyle. Now's my chance so last night I drank two bottles of rosé after work (we work at a network, where we assist execs who do super important stuff for, like, digital something). Anyways Kyle's been super distant lately and I don't know why because I don't give him enough room to be distant, do you know what I mean? So finally he responded to my texts with just like, "Hey, sorry, been busy," and I...fucking...WENT? off. For three hours, until he finally responded by blocking my number.
Ugh, no, I'm NOT ready to order yet, bitchy waiter. Why isn't he drawn to me like literally every other gay man? I think his breath smells like gin? Let's see, what do I want for lunch? I think I'll order the grilled teriyaki skirt steak and modify it until it's a side salad.
Kristin looks cute. I'm threatened by that.
Megan ordered something expensive. If anyone says we're just going to split the check equally, I will probably go off, I love arguing.
I should let the server know the ginger beer in the Moscow Mule isn't that gingery. Why is everyone else having a better time than me?
This salad is bland. It tastes really salad-y, like, do you know what I mean? Why isn't the waiter more apologetic when I tell him this salad ruined my day? What do I want instead, hmmm, let's see. Something comparable. I'll just have the chicken nachos with literally everything on the side, including the melted cheese.
Why is Devin in such a hurry to get the bill??? I've been too busy finally talking about me to have time to eat. And Megan you can go fuck your own ass, I am not splitting this bill seven ways when everyone else's food cost 2 in some cases 3 more dollars than mine. The waiter doesn't mind, it's his job to deal with bill math. I'm going to see if he can split my portion between two different credit cards.
You're all tipping 20 percent?? Yeah, because I'M the only one he was rude to. Story of my life. Anything bad that's ever happened to you or someone you know? I'll bet a million dollars something worse has happened to me. Crap, I didn't finish my story about Kyle. Tomorrow I'll just go from office to office and fill everyone in one-on-one. It'll take, like, awhile. But it's so much better to tell such a painful story in person when you can connect, like...do you know what I mean?