the bitter waiter

The five dumbest questions I was asked this week

1. "Is the seared Yellowtail seared, or is it cooked all the way through?"   

2. "Could I just Venmo the restaurant?"

3. "Oh is this our table?"

4. "Could you just pick the black beans out of the black bean stew?"

5. "I thought a Shirley Temple had vodka in it?"

 

'Til death do us part

Despite having amassed many years in part-time jobs in Los Angeles, I never forget the face of someone who's been rude to me. 

One of my first jobs entailed working at the front desk of a (now bankrupt) sports club in Beverly Hills. Our posh, flatteringly lit play-pen for the rich included Oscar winners, millionaire athletes, and horny, settlement-loving singles among its celebrated members. Most of the famous people were actually quite nice (except for Mario Lopez and Jessica Simpson). 

The rudest members were usually the gold-digging cougars who were 52 going on "Oh it's my 10-year-reunion." Sherry was one such woman. Armed with entitlement and a pair of overdone lips that could strangle air itself, she tried everything from having her membership fees waived because she couldn't find parking to hiding her dog in her gym locker.   

This weekend, she and a much older man, a crotchety pile of sticks in his late 70s who I also recalled from the sports club, sat at a spacious booth in my section. Given how far away they were from each other at the booth (and in years), I assumed he was her father.  

"How are you two this evening?" I asked as I greeted the table with a smile and a clean slate (ish). 

"We're ready to order," she said with aggressive eyebrows raised and a dismissive curl of the puffy lip. Once a basic bitch, always a basic bitch. 

"Oh great," I said with a tight smile.

"I'll have a bowl of the pumpkin soup, we'll share a chicken caesar salad, and for my husband I need a mushroom flatbread," she told me slowly as if my hearing were impaired by a head wound.

"Oh great," I said with a tight smile. "And to drink?"

"Two waters and one iced tea," she said.

When the food hit the table, I approached the two of them and asked, "Oh, would you like me to keep the flatbread warm while we wait for your husband?"  

She stared at me curiously, then sat open-mouth for a few seconds. With a finger pointed at the old geezer, she said: 

"This...him? He is my husband. Okay? The flatbread is for him. Do you understand?"

"Oh I understand" I said. "And my most sincere apologies. I assumed when you alluded to your husband earlier, you were speaking of him in third person because he wasn't here."

She kind of bought my excuse. "Everything is fine," she said dismissively. 

After dinner, the old man ordered ice cream and hot fudge. Sherry glared at me in between curt sips of her decaf non-fat macchiato. They argued about him ordering a brandy (which we don't carry) and then paid the bill, leaving a 10% tip.

As they exited, Sherry didn't bother waiting for her husband as he slowly exited the booth. She met him in the lobby, motioning her finger clockwise while saying, "Hurry up."

Well done, well done

There's an indie-ish movie theater, which shows 90% arthouse films and 10% "Saw 8: Scream 5," above my new restaurant. Their patrons provide a decent percentage of our guests (the highest percentage being the swarm of elderly people who live in the neighboring west side and Santa Monica).

More often than not, these movie guests like to inform me they're seeing a movie, and that they're pressed for time. I can't say I'm terribly accommodating unless they're reasonable about it; there's a big difference between "Our movie's in an hour, could you please do what you can?" and "Our movie's in 20 minutes, why wasn't our food waiting when we sat down?" 

Wilma and Geraldine, two uptight, old, rich bitches, came in this weekend and sat in my section. I approached them as they blocked their faces with the menus they were squinting to read. 

"Hello, how are..."

"We're seeing a movie and we have about 20 minutes," Wilma interrupted me with an unapologetic snarl on her face. "What can you do in 20 minutes?"

"Let's see...I can wear a Biore strip," I said.

"WE'RE READY TO ORDER," Geraldine yelled through her deaf face. "WHAT ARE YOUR SPECIALS?"

"So...are you ready to order? Or do you want to hear the specials?" I asked.

"Both," Wilma said. 

After I went through the needless specials spiel, Wilma ordered a salmon burger (well done), and Geraldine ordered a cheeseburger (well done). 

For those of you unfamiliar with the laws of physics, a meal requested at well done will take longer to prepare than, say, any other item on the menu. I warned Wilma and Geraldine that the well done would not give them enough time to make a movie in 20 minutes. 

"TELL THE COOK WE WANT QUICKLY WELL DONE," Geraldine helpfully instructed. 

"Okay, we'll hurry up and wait," I replied.

Not three minutes later, Wilma flagged me down while I was carrying a stack of dirty dishes.

"Any update on those burgers?"

"They send their regards from the grill, where they're still rare" I said.

Not two minutes later, Geraldine reminded me, as I was mid-sentence with their neighboring table, that "[WE] HAVE A MOVIE IN 13 MINUTES." 

And not one minute later, my manager let me know they'd complained about waiting "30 minutes" for two burgers. Fortunately this restaurant boasts a competent, server-friendly managerial staff who frequently field these showtime-related requests and complaints. My manager gave them the usual speech about us not being responsible for their movie times, and that our kitchen prepares meals within the timeframe necessary.

The burgers arrived shortly thereafter, and Wilma startled me by giving a "We need the check" motion that initially resembled "Help, I'm having a stroke." 

"Well, we know not to come here before a movie," Wilma said as well-done beef spewed from her pie-hole. 

"What a shame," I replied as I set down their change. I don't remember what they tipped, or even if they tipped, because my other guests were so much nicer and more generous. But I can tell you this - they were definitely not on time for their movie, bless their hearts.