I've had it.
For years I've humorously used the entitlement and rudeness of the masses for comedic and therapeutic value - and I will continue to do so - but I have a genuine bone to pick today, one that is as heartfelt as someone on this much Zoloft can be.
The advances in instant gratification - largely thanks to the gradual substitution of technology for actual human interaction - have yielded a terrifying avalanche of entitlement. Everyone wants everything now, and while that's fine for filling your iPod, it doesn't quite work like that with food, or humans.
Here are a few basic reminders that might have been lost in the iPod shuffle (what a terrible, Carrie-Bradshaw-type pun, but you'll get over it):
1. You are not the only fucking person I'm serving.
Oh, you're in a hurry? That's rich. I asked, and absolutely no one else in the restaurant has anywhere else to be except you. So please, allow me to manipulate the hands of time so that you arrive punctually for your Pilates session, or your Groupon whale-watching trip, or your standing date to watch How I Met Your Mother, because keeping you on schedule is my responsibility.
HERE'S A TIP - IF YOU'RE IN SUCH A FUCKING HURRY, DON'T GO TO A CROWDED RESTAURANT, YOU FUCKING RHODES SCHOLAR!!
2. Put down your mass-produced smart phone when I am speaking to you.
Do you have any concept of how utterly rude it is to continue cruising for cock on Tinder when I am at your table, asking you questions about YOUR order, trying to facilitate your dining experience? I will not give you any grace period. If that phone is still your focal point after I've said "Hello" then you can fetch your own fucking chips and salsa. Don't want to interact with someone but still need to eat? There's an app for that.
3. Your order came out wrong? Well calm down. It's food, not a newborn switched at birth.
No one likes it when a food order comes out incorrectly, do they? So shouting because your tuna isn't cooked as well as you'd like seems a hair irrational. You don't need to scream and shout to have your meal comped; we'll do that by virtue of being a business that aims to please its customers and rectify its mistakes.
I've got something to share, and I suspect it will rock your world and undo all those delicate formative years in which your parents lied to you and told you that you were special, better than everyone else, and deserving of whatever you want. That mishap with the ahi tuna? Are you ready for this? It wasn't a personal attack on you! No one set out to maliciously inconvenience you!! So if I have to hear one more fucking time, "Oh WHY can no one ever get it right?" or worse yet "WHY does this always happen to me?", I am going to bitch slap you, knock you out, and buy you a one-way ticket to Somalia so you can sit amongst true need. I'll check in after a few months to see how many people in your village complain about the temperature and texture of their rice, you fucking entitled, miserable, dead-inside murderer of joy.
4. OH IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?!
So it's my job to roll out the red carpet and fawn all over you because mother nature kicked you out of the womb many years ago? Big fucking deal. I'll say "Happy Birthday," and I'll bring you a free dessert, but beyond that? NOT MY JOB TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.
5. Just be nice.
While the sole purpose of this blog is to highlight the antics of horrible people, what I rarely mention is that 85%-90% of the people I serve are friendly, or at least I deal with them without incident. Just as those people are kind and gracious to me, I am kind and gracious in turn.
The people who enjoy free drinks or free food from me are those who are polite and friendly, and usually the people who'd never ask for or expect such occasional freebies. Those, however, who DEMAND to feel special or be recognized? Not from me. I won't tolerate it, and I don't give a Hispanic dishwasher's hair net if it costs me my shitty job. I am pointedly and decidedly through with people who deem themselves as more deserving than those around them. I encourage all of you to take such a stand and slap this fucked-up world back into shape.