Hey everyone look, it's Eric! Remember him?? He used to work here until a few months ago. Some people called him a "bully" because his brand of humor involved jokes about blacks, gays, hispanics, the handicapped, and the babies who died in the Oklahoma tornadoes. Remember how well he and I got along?!?!?!?
Now he comes in almost every night to gloat about not working here anymore and regale us with stories of being a production assistant on an ABC Family show that no one's ever heard of! Hey Eric, welcome back!
Hahaha, yes Eric, I *do* still work here. It never gets old when you ask me that!! It's like maybe sometime I'll surprise you by answering, "No, I actually don't work here anymore, I just show up to be an asshole to everyone else because I have nothing better to do." Haha can you imagine if someone did that, Eric? Like, if some shit-eating hive of H.P.V. thought he was hot stuff by coming into a former place of employment to hang out?!? Haha you'd have to be a real loser to do that, right Eric?
Say, Eric, now that you're so above being a server and carrying plates and delivering drinks, tell us more about your exciting Hollywood lifestyle!!!! What do you do as a P.A. on the set of "Pretty Twisted Gossip Moms??" Oh...you fetch coffee? And grab lunch? And collect everyone's food order? Wow, Eric, that sounds leaps and bounds different from what we do here at the restaurant! Dream big, you always said!!!!!!!
Where are your manners, Eric, and why haven't you introduced us to this classy little thing feeding herself cherries straight from the bar garnish tray? She is a keeper, totally appropriate for a man of your high stature! What's that, she already tattooed your name on her ass? Then you two most certainly will last forever!
You know what I really appreciate about you, Eric, is how affectionately you call everyone "bro." Nevermind that we worked together for nearly three years; I prefer this casual banter that makes me finally feel like one of the guys! Like, when you say "Hey bro, try not to charge me for this next beer, okay?" I feel like we're best friends!!
Oh Eric. What's this, you shouldn't have?? A fifteen percent tip??? Does the "A" in P.A. stand for Angel? Because only a gift from God would bestow such kindness on me! Nevermind those three years in which we constantly, incessantly bitched about anyone who tipped less than 20 percent - You're Eric! You don't need to tip well; you drive a golf cart around the Warner Bros. lot giving former "Melrose Place" stars their sandwiches and condiments!!
I'm so glad you're not in a rush, Eric!! I prefer - nay, I LOVE - your $10 tab over a two-hour period despite how busy we are and how much more money I'd be making if I could use your six-person-table for one of those bigger parties! You've done so well for yourself, it's almost like you don't remember what it's like being a server!
Oh look at the time, Eric! I must be off, fun as it's been watching your little cherub bob up and down under the table. But please, return, and return soon! After all, as high schoolers, didn't we all marvel at the alumni who returned frequently to visit his alma matter? Some jerks would say that those who return to such a place only do so because they realized that's where they peaked and that life only goes downhill from there. Haha, can you believe that, Eric? Like, the thought that someone like you will never do anything useful or interesting in his life beyond waiting tables?? Haha that's retarded.
Aight, see you later, bro. Give me a shout sometime, we'll go pee on some cold homeless people while they sleep.