Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!!!!!!
Oh hi there.
I didn't see you because I was busy enchanting everyone at my table with a pretentious recounting of my two years in Paris & all the splendor and beauty I saw, that you didn't see, because I had the means for living in Paris for two years, and you did not, because I am me, and you are not. Do you understand? I don't mean to be condescending when I ask that question, but according to some, I tend to come across as condescending no matter what I say!
I surround myself with people who will be endlessly fascinated by my anecdotes, and they will be my suckling sycophants, encouraging me to regale anyone within earshot of my life's superior travels and accomplishments.
Oh that reminds me! I was at Kitty Grandeur's wedding, which took place in the entirety of MOMA, because, as you know, the Grandeurs have so much money! So Kitty and I were laughing because Mrs. Danvers mistook the Beluga caviar for Sterlet caviar!! Have you ever????
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!!!!!
What would I like to order? HHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm let me peruse your limited menu with stern consternation and highfalutin facial objections.
Just a side of...chicken breast. You wouldn't happen to be able to do a paillard would you? Oh you don't know what that is? Because this isn't a French restaurant? And you've never been to France?
What's that, little butler man, you have been to France? Oh how cute. It must have been on a work-study program or something like that.
Oh, it was of your own volition and out of your own pocket? I get the sense you don't want me to look down on you, man in the apron, so I shall only patronize you more!
Say, from what region is this meager table wine? I was once dining with Countessa VonStratmore, and she and I were drinking the most lovely Malvasia Nera from Italy, as we sailed along the coast comfortably. We played card games with her servants in lieu of paying them, and they put on the most adorable little musical for us with their gypsy instruments.
Would you and your fellow servants please engage in a similar form of entertainment for my sycophants and me? Do you keep your banjo in your wagon outside? Play something that will harken back to my boys chorus days, like "Beneath the Banyan Tree" or "In Youth Is Pleasure!"
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!!!!!!
Oh look at the hour, it appears we must leave shortly for my friend Galadriana's art gallery opening at LACMA. She's doing the most exquisite rendering of the falling of the Berlin Wall. You were there, right? My book club and I were seated in the V.I.P. section next to Mikhail Gorbachev, Joan Baez, and the Redgrave sisters. We all giggled fastidiously at the ill-fitting socks of one of the city workers!!!
Here is your pittance, humble servant. I hope these shiny pennies afford you the great luxuries to which your kind is accustomed, whether it be smokes or deodorant! I am off to my majestic evening. This has been great fun, as I know you've enjoyed tremendously basking in my presence! To quote William Shakespeare, whose great great great great great great grand-son is my Pilates instructore, "Parting is such sweet sorrow!"
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!!!!!
You should write a book. Put it on my tab. I won't tip.
Posted by: Bill | April 12, 2013 at 03:54 PM
Absolute gold! Your next post should be from your POV during this interaction. I see it starting something like ...
*Take a swig*
Oh goodie, another pretentious wannabe LA socialite ...
Oh hi there.
I'm sorry I didn't hear you because I was distracted by thoughts of all of the things I'd rather be doing than serving you ...
Excuse me for a second ...
*Takes a swig*
Sorry there just isn't enough alcohol in the world to make dealing with someone like you bearable ...
Paris? Oh no, I've never been because mommy and daddy didn't coddle me into my twenties, paying for my fruitless self-exploratory escapades.
Excuse me for a second ...
*Takes a swig*
I see you think I am an unfortunate, uncultured soul that you pity, but really, I pity you ...
Posted by: Jenn | January 25, 2013 at 11:36 AM
This was very well written but was a bit confusing as I thought it was you addressing us and it took awhile to realize it was the customer.
Posted by: ubermouth | January 25, 2013 at 11:12 AM
HYSTER! Please write from the customer's POV more often!
Posted by: jillian | January 25, 2013 at 10:42 AM