As a long-term server in my current POE ("place of evil"), I often hear the tired phrase, "You look familiar..."
On one recent, dark, stormy evening, I immediately recognized the face of a former co-worker from a different dining establishment who I haven't seen in seven years. Jessica. We only worked together for about three weeks until she was fired for constantly calling in sick & supporting those calls with far-fetched excuses ("I was in a car accident a few years ago and I think the whip lash is still causing headaches.").
I recall her being clingy, whiny, needy and always borrowing money. We were like fire and a fireman; she was always seeking my attention, and I was constantly trying to drown her.
I quietly greeted the table, doing my best to keep my head turned away from hers. She was seated with three obnoxious gay BFFs and my ears were assaulted with a barrage of words such as "fierce," "ehmygah" and "Honey Boo Boo."
"May I bring you all anything to drink?"
"Just a water for now," Jessica said without looking up from her phone. "I'll order a drink when the rest of our friends arrive."
I was thrilled to have gone unnoticed. I tried to scurry off, but...
"Ex-cAH-use? Me?" one of the minions sang.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?" I returned.
"We? Would...like...drinks," Honey Boo Boo informed me.
"And what may I get for you?" I inquired.
"We'll split one double margarita for now," he smirked. "And if you could split that into three different..."
"Nope," I interrupted him, and once again walked off.
I returned with the sole libation (including three kid's cup straws) and a water for the lady.
"You look familiar," Jessica said, noticing me for the first time. "Maybe you've waited on me before?"
"Probably," I said. "Were we still waiting for more people before ordering?"
"Oh," she said indifferently, looking at her minions for affirmation.
"Yeeeeeah...theeeee'yre not comiiiiiiiiiiiiing," Tinkerbell, the most high-pitched of my new foes, explained.
"What?!" Honey Boo Boo inquired.
"Well, Paul and Javier broke up again," Tinkerball explained, "and Alister met a fellow Canadian on Grindr."
"So are we ready to order?" I interrupted in hopes of circumventing a play-by-play of each chum's plans for the evening.
"The three of us are splitting a cheese quesadilla," Honey Boo Boo said.
I looked to Jessica, who was buried once again in her phone. I tapped my pen and bit my lower lip, my standard choreography for relaying inconvenience and somewhere to be.
"Oh I'll just have water for now," she said. "I'll order a drink when their food arrives."
Right, that's a logical move.
"Girl WHAT?" Tinkerbell demanded. "You're not eating?"
"Sorry," she took a huge breath and put down her phone. "I think I'm about to get fired again, and I'm broke. I'll just eat at home I guess........"
She all but rolled around in dirt and donned a burlap sack to really land the self-pity on that latter sentence.
"Oh honey," Honey Boo Boo said. "I'll spot you."
"Then may I please have my own large quesadilla and my own double margarita?" she said without missing a beat. Or saying "thank you." But the smile that followed showed that she thought this irreverant, ungracious declaration was cutesy and charming to everyone else.
"Thanks BFF, I'll pay you back," she said while suddenly affecting that fake-sick-calling-in-to-work voice that few women pull off successfully.
I returned minutes later with the additional margarita. Jessica was expounding upon the sob story of her "illegal" treatment from her current employer and why she couldn't ever catch a break. The minions were eating this up and dabbing her tears. I set down the drink she'd guilted her friend into buying her.
"Is that bartender single?" Jessica asked, flipping on a dime from the emoting of her previous pity party.
"I...don't know," I replied.
"Could we cancel our order with you and switch to the bar so I can flirt with him?" she asked.
"Yes, please," I replied. I transferred their tab and all but flung their drinks at the bar to expedite my freedom from them.
"I remember, you know," she said. "How we know each other..."
"Oh?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said with a flirty little smile. "Didn't we make out at [some horrible tacky bar on the Sunset Strip that I wouldn't frequent at gun point]?"
"Yes. Yes," I replied. "That must be it."
She gave herself a content grin and headed off to the bar to ensnare her latest prey.
Ah, this cheered me up after a crappy night at work. Thank you.
Posted by: rogue wino | November 18, 2012 at 12:27 AM
"Yes...that must be it"?!!! Hahahaha!! God, I can't imagine your desperation to end the situation, to have agreed to even that horrendous mental spectacle.
P.S. "fierce"...you nailed it.
Posted by: Jet | November 08, 2012 at 04:43 PM
Splitting a drink and a meal? They should stay home. You know you ain't getting a tip off these hags.
Posted by: Frehleygirlshideaway | November 08, 2012 at 01:36 PM
Sometimes your smallest one-liners are just as funny as the gloriously bitchy ones :)
Posted by: chris | November 07, 2012 at 10:24 AM