the bitter waiter: Waiter rant

Hey Actor,

I'm sure you were hot shit in your rural town of 200 back in the early 90s when you beat up the high school drama geeks and killed deer on the weekends with your football buddies. And accordingly, you packed up the Chevy with your dreams and yearbooks and headed west to certain stardom. After all, if everyone in your home town worshipped you, Hollywood must gladly give you a similar reception, right? And today you're perpetually "almost there," just one role away from breaking out. Just as you have been for 19 years. In reality, however, all you have to show for these wasted years are a one-line scene in "Models, Inc." and a Payless commercial that your parents preserve on VHS. The homecoming queen initially married you and sojourned to Los Angeles, but the lack of stability both financially and intellectually took its toll, and you hear she remarried a nice veterinarian back home. Her loss though, right? All it will take is one role to show her and anyone else who ever doubted you. It's not your fault you're continually overlooked by casting directors and producers. It's all gays and minorities now, anyway. But you're not bitter, no. All those dreams that no one once promised you are still well within your reach. So fuck this waiter, so much younger and more talented and more attractive and in shape than you. You never had to slum it and wait tables, so naturally he deserves your ire and your short temper. Look at him, giggling with his friends - all of whom think he's the funniest person they've ever met - and drinking a cocktail without concern of being seen. Wait. You can be that happy again. People still love you (your parents tell you about all their friends at church who still ask how your career's going and when your movie with Clooney is coming out). That's it. You resolve that, starting tomorrow, you're going to really pursue your acting career. No more resting on the laurels of that acclaimed North Hollywood showcase you did back in 2004. THIS TIME, YOU'RE REALLY GOING AFTER IT! So watch out, world. The Butt Fuck Falls, IA, Homecoming King of 1994 is back. Ruder and more entitled than ever. Coming soon to a theater near you.