I derive no small amount of pleasure from the various mispronunciations and erroneously stated menu items that have poured from the mouths of morons in my section over the years.
Here, a few of my favorites (more to come):
FROM THE BAR:
1. "Yes, I'd like a Phil Collins please."*
*Phil Collins is a soft rock artist, formerly performing with the band Genesis, currently performing for anyone who can provide him with a three-figure money order. A Tom Collins is a cocktail made with gin, lemon juice, sugar, soda, and other crap that people drink while playing Bridge.
2. "Do y'all have Nee-gro Modelo beer?"**
**"NEH-GRO Modelo," you hillbilly. Go build a fort.
3. "Yeeeah, I'll have me a Strawberry Da-Queery"***
***Da Queery says "I think you mean daquiri."
FROM THE KITCHEN
4. "What is 'bleh' cheese? I don't think I'd like it."*
*I'm sure you'd hate bleu cheese, just as I hate that bleh-colored burlap sack you've curiously donned as a sweater.
5. "I'll have the rotiss-er-arie chicken."**
**When in doubt, add syllables. You'll sound smarter.
6. "The Lakers RULE, bro! Is Kobe beef named after Kobe Bryant?"***
***Yes. Served with your choice of sides: sexual assault, homophobic slur, or low-income fan base.
7. "What type of queso is 'con' queso?"****
****"Con" is Spanish for "with." I'm glad you had the wherewithal to decipher the meaning of "queso," but couldn't figure out that far trickier translation.
AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL-TIME, WHICH REQUIRES NO EXPLANATION:
8. "Ess-use me, but who the hell ordered this 'gratuity???' It's the most expensive thing on the bill!"