the bitter waiter: Oh snap: Coffee talk!

Oh snap: Coffee talk!

I'll never understand why people come in "just for coffee." After all...

Our coffee is generic restaurant supply coffee.
We have no soy milk, no skim milk or whole milk.
We have no espresso machine. No cappuccinos, no lattes, no macchiatos.
Starbucks is directly across the street.

So when Hipster Writer #1 and Hipster Writer #2 parked themselves in my section with all manners of thrift store flannel and entitlement, intent upon discussing their latest exercise in drivel, I was not having it.

"We're just here for coffee," Hipster 1 said. "Two soy no-foam sugar-free non-fat lattes."

I explained that we only serve regular coffee. Hipster 2 rolled his eyes and said, "Then we'll just take something like a latte."

Minutes later I returned with two half cups of coffee (black) and a large glass of milk. Hipster 1 looked away from his screenplay long enough to say:

HIPSTER 1: Uhhhh, this isn't the latte I ordered.

ME: Nope, sure isn't.

HIPSTER 1: You do know what a latte is, man?

ME: Sure do. Had one this morning.

HIPSTER 2: So why are we looking at two cups of coffee and a glass of milk?

ME: Because I already told you we can't make a latte, as we have no espresso machine, yet you requested something like a latte. So here's an ample supply of milk in case you want to try and create foam yourselves. Hint. Starbucks, 15 feet south.

With that, the hipsters were out of their seats and complaining to the owner. And following a two-week vacation (suspension), I returned with no greater mercy for anyone who would dare order a latte -- or anything like it -- from me.

Posted at 09:45 AM | Permalink

Comments

I have also worked in the industry for nearly a decade. I had just about had it up to HERE with a pompous, arrogant, very full of self entitlement asshole one night. After being as condescending as possible with his dinner order and modifying every. single. thing. that touched the table, I asked about dessert and coffee. "Nooooooooooo.... but I Would take some room tempature water." (He'd had wine until then) A little note here. In my restaurant we have chilled water, or the tap water that has been piped straight from hell. No ´in betweens'. I brought the man hot water that I had added ice to and stirred to melt it. He said it was too hot. I explained (again, I did tell him the first time and he waved me away dismissively like it was My problem) there wasn't any exact science and made my apologies. I then brought him chilled water I had added some hot water to. It was too cold. I revisited the reason behind this, excused myself. I returned with the following:
One teapot of hot water
One teapot of chilled water
One glass of ice
One empty glass to mix the water in
A spoon
And finally a glass from which to drink. I set this dazzling array before him with Vana White showwomanmanship. He looked at me disdainfully and asked "Now WHAT am I supposed to do with this??" I said "My best efforts failed to produce the tempature that your tongue finds pleasing, and as only you can know that specific tempature, I have brought you all you'll need. Best of luck in your endeavors." With that I dropped the bill and walked off, ignoring his outraged (and incoherent) sputters.

Posted by: Michelle | January 26, 2014 at 03:45 PM

Wooow... less than 100 comments!!... I have to take advantage of this and write my comment on your blog... ok... what should I write??... mmm, I don't think my criminal history would help me gain your sympathy, uh?? haha... in any case, I just want you to know that I'm sure you're a fabulous blogger and writer... so, thanks for that.. now I know I'm not a robot. well, this comment is getting too long to be read, so i'll stop now...

Posted by: Popmaster | February 15, 2013 at 02:51 AM