the bitter waiter: Bare naked ladies

How to properly identify if the female customer in your section is a stripper and/or porn star:

1) Her formidable perfume scent is a hybrid of candy corn and baby wipes.

2) She will speak to you, no matter what the statment or question, in a nasal baby-talk voice that some steroid-popping prick once told her was endearing.

3) Her skin is orange (not tan), her hair yellow (not blonde), and her eyes cerulean (not blue).

4) Even if you have four large fajita platters, two pitchers of margaritas and a random whole watermelon, nothing at the table is as substantial as her uneven cleavage.

5) I don't care if you're as gay as John Travolta in a West Hollywood swim meet, she will still mistake your vaguely polite tone for a declaration of admiration and worship.

6) She will stare at the bill in confusion when no one at the bar offers to pick up her tab, despite her best efforts in the restaurant bathroom.

7) She is often dining with Asian stripper/porn star, brunette stripper/porn star, and ambiguously Latina stripper/porn star.

8) At some point in the evening, one of the desperate men who's watched her strip/pleasured himself to her movies will string a few monosyllabic words together in an effort to win her affections. This will fan the flame of her ego, and she'll look at you as if to say, "Take that."

9) Your name throughout the evening will be "Doll" or "Honey." Conversely, her name amongst you and your co-workers throughout the evening will be four or five letters in nature, beginning with either "C" or "B."

10) You will be tipped in ones (and not enough of them) taken straight from a cess pool of sweat and degradation.