the bitter waiter: Carry on, bags

I recently dealt with two botched-Botox lipstick lesbian bitches who decided that my innocent patio section would serve as their coven.

Per usual, I was already in quite a mood (merely from clocking in), and could anticipate the condescending tone, the bitchy glares and the incessant drinking. And I had no idea how the lesbians would react.

I greeted Lips, the brunette of the couple. She was smoking on our clearly marked non-smoking patio.

"I'm sorry, you can't smoke out here," I said.

She took a puff, blew it in my general direction, and asked:

"How do you fire someone?"

Easy. Handle it with the finesse I'm assuming you'd give to any such gentle situation. Go over to his/her house in the middle of the night and scream while throwing objects through windows.

"Get drunk," I replied. "And, again, no smoking."

She continued puffing as if I were only capable of speaking internally.

"I'll have a Grey Goose Lemon Drop," Lips said.

"UHHH!" the comely blond companion whined.

"Oh fucking shit fuck ass shit fuck cock," Lips said. "Make it two."

Class. It's not just a thing at trade school where you learn how to inject fat from a woman's ass into her face.

I delivered the drinks. Lips was no longer smoking, but the blond (heretofore referred to as "Anna Nicole") was now puffing smoke out of the fag in her hand.

"Sorry," I said. "Actually neither one of you can smoke out here. No one can."

"Ohhhhhh weeeeeeell uhhhhhhhhhm," Anna Nicole stuttered.

Lips injected...I mean Lips interjected, and said, "We'll order."

After almost 10 minutes of modifying two simple tostada salads, I retreated to the indoor portion of the restaurant to ring in the order. Our owner, of whom I rarely blog and about whom I often nightmare, approached me. He barked at me for allowing the ladies to smoke and told me to handle the situation.

I returned to Lips and Anna Nicole, hoping to reason with them.

"Ladies, look," I said. "The owner himself has yelled at me for letting you smoke out here. You've got to put out your cigarettes."

"Only if you bring us another round," Lips said.

"Okay," I replied.

I returned with the drinks. The two were already drunk, discussing strategy for firing an employee. Anna Nicole offered her insight after great thought.

"I think we should tell her, like, face-to-face, you know?"

Define "face?"

Lips and Anna Nicole downed their drinks then requested the bill, which I had on my person.

"Uhm, excuse me?" Lips said.

"M?" I replied.

"We had a deal, remember?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You said if we stopped smoking, you'd buy us a round?"

"No no no no no no no NO no no no no no no no no," I said. "I said I'd BRING you another round. I've had every member of my immediate family in here, and I never offered to buy THEM a round of drinks. I certainly made no such promise to you."

"Well I'm not paying for that second round," she said.

"Neither am I," I replied. "Why don't I bring over the owner? Or the police if you decide to steal from us by not paying for something you consumed?"

"Honey I don't give a flying sheep's fucking cock and balls ass shit fuck cock if you call the fucking President of the fucking ass United dick States," she said. "I'm not PAYING for those drinks!"

"FINE!" I bellowed, turning on my heels to go tell Mr. Owner.

When we returned, the ladies had dashed. They left just enough cash to cover about half of their tab.

"Well," The Owner said, perusing the bill. "Looks like you only owe about $20 to cover the difference."

I cleared the table, carefully avoiding the large amounts of lipstick that remained on each glass, plate, and utensil. I went to my happy place, ignoring the incident altogether.

And in my happy place, I was running over those dumb bitches, repeatedly, with a John Deere tractor.

Comments

if your manager is Satan and Lips and Anna Nicole are evil gargoyles...
then you my dear are a Saint.
keep your happy place - it sounds amazing :)

Posted by: tina | August 29, 2010 at 03:30 PM

You actually just made me yell out a good "Oh, HEEELLLLLLS NO!" at my computer, and I rarely do that. I can't believe your asshole manager made you pay for the drinks. What a cock. I'm sorry :(

Posted by: The Bartender | June 17, 2010 at 12:18 PM