...and the answers both verbal and internal:
1. I think our waiter already went home. Can you find him for us?
Verbal answer: No. If he's already left for the day, he probably isn't here anymore.
Internal answer: Yeah, you stupid bitch, let me fire up the Bat signal and I'm sure he'll make haste to refill your chips and salsa.
2. What's the difference between your corn tortillas and your flour tortillas?
Verbal answer: The corn tortillas are made out of corn. The flour tortillas are made out of, well, flour.
Internal answer: Who gives a shit? You're either going to hate both or demand that I bring you an endless supply in an effort to affordably feed your clan of 20 as well as the foaming-at-the-mouth friends from the trailer next door. Admit it. What you really want to ask me is if they're free.
3. We might want to sit on the patio instead. Is it cold outside?
Verbal answer: I have no idea. I haven't been outside since I walked from the parking lot three hours ago.
Internal answer: Using my natural abilities of omnipresence, I shall magically transport myself outside and determine the temperature for you. Do I look like a thermometer? Does it appear to you that frequently going outside is a part of my job description? The patio is equipped with two servers. Ask one of them, because if I'm fortunate, you're about to move into his/her section and play a bonus round of 20 Questions.
4. Are you all still serving food?
Verbal answer: It's only 9 o'clock [in the evening]. Of course we are.
Internal answer: In a brilliant attempt to completely lose all profit, we've decided to stop serving food altogether even though our big bright sign outside says "RESTAURANT." Even though it appears that you just came from another restaurant and indulged in an all-you-can-eat buffet, I am loathe to inform you that, yes, we are still serving food.
5. We're hungry. What's good?
Verbal answer: It depends on what you like. Was there anything in particular you were considering?
Internal answer: The restaurant down the street, you shithead.