bitter waiter

I heard that

Long ago I waited on a questionable couple, probably celebrating a parole or successful convenience store robbery.

I kept my distance during their dining experience, both out of annoyance as well as fear for my life.

And then came bill time.  I stood close by to ensure this wouldn't turn into a game of "Dine and Dash."

They dropped cash (full amount + five percent tip) and then left.  On their way out, I heard the female say to the male, "Did you pay all of the bill this time?"

"Uh, yeah." he said.

"You did?  Why?" she retorted.

I heard that

A first date is easy to spot by the awkward display of reserve, as well as the polite, superfluous banter.  

I generally feel a certain comfort while waiting on first-daters because, in an effort to impress the other, neither one is rude or demanding.

But they are sometimes koo koo crazy.

While eavesdropping on a recent first date between a quiet man of reason and a verbose woman of cheap perfume, I pitied the poor man more and more.  I gathered they met online, this was their first date, and she was recently single.

In between sips of her white zinfandel spritzer, she talked aaaaaaall about her break-ups, her jobs (both plastic and professional), and her insecurities.

"You know, it's funny," she said with a delusional smile.

"Yes?" he inquired.

"My therapist tells me it's too soon to even be dating again," she said proudly.  "He doesn't think I'm ready to be with someone."

"Well.  Uhm.  Then what prompted you to meet me tonight?"

Without a word, she continued sipping her spritzer and looked at the ceiling as if someone up there had just called her name.

I heard that

In an effort to more frequently update Bitter Waiter, I'll be offering up bits of dialogue I've been fortunate enough to overhear from unsuspecting customers.

Recently I waited on a group of grating teenage girls, all of whom brought in their skinny decaf soy chai hazelnut lattes from Starbucks, ordered water and one plate of guacamole.  

The uglier of the four said to the prettier of the four:

"I mean, Andrea, like, if I just tried a little harder I think I could be as pretty as you, you know?"

To which Andrea replied, in all sincerity, "Yeah!  You mean, like if you lost a bunch of weight?"

The uglier one happily nodded her head in agreement while sipping her latte.