bitter waiter

The continued offenses of Jessica Simpson

Seeing how I like to be the center of the Bitter Waiter universe, I rarely tread into celebrity territory for fear that it will take a little sparkle out of my own star. That said, I've been contacted by several readers regarding a highly publicized public display of intoxication by one of my least favorite celebs, and I must put aside my own narcissism for the greater good of my readers.

By now you've probably read through Perez, TMZ, and a host of other unreliable gossip Web sites that Jessica Simpson recently visited my humble restaurant. It's true. And I was there for the whole thing. And as someone with a four-year history of Jessica Simpson run-ins (all unpleasant), I'll gladly recount the entire evening.

The least-talented Simpson arrived around 4 p.m. with two lady friends (one of them Cace, her former assistant who's usually the only friendly member of the party) and Cace's boyfriend Donald Faison of Scrubs. They ordered pitcher after pitcher of an evil concoction called "The Jessica Simpson Margarita."

(Years ago, Jessica used to demand packets of Splenda, lime juice, ice, and tequila, and then mixed them together at her table. She claimed her margarita had no calories. Our owners gladly acquiesced to these demands and found the grating little blonde's creation so charming, they put it on the menu.)

As poor Cace became so drunk she began to vomit, Jessica did what any best friend would do. She went to another booth and proceeded to text Tony Romo, Nick Lachey, John Mayer, or any one of the men who've recently dumped her for a more talented celebrity.

Donald was too busy talking about football with one of the bar regulars to help, leaving the other female friend to assist Cace as she threw up all over the table, under the booth, and hopefully into Jessica's expensive handbag.

As managers, bus boys and servers (not me, natch) did everything they could to clean up, Jessica stood there horrified, as if watching footage from a Malawian massacre. In between text messages, and without looking up from her phone, she would occasionally chirp "Oh, I'm sorry we...(trailing off)" or "Cace, does this hideous white sun dress make my fat ass look fat?"

Mama Tina Simpson saved the day, looking like she flew in from a Southern church bake-off, and transported the Simpson posse to safety.

Next time the Simpsons strike, you can bet I'll do my part to expose their naughty behavior.

Kirsten Dunst is an average tipper

This will come as no shock to most of you, combined with the equally non-revelatory news that she has weird teeth and no personality.

Timberlake, Furtado named "Worst diners"

From IMDB:

Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado are the worst behaved diners in showbiz, according to celebrity restaurateur Guy Rubino. Rubino claims Timberlake insisted on ordering off the menu and Furtado acted like a diva during visits to his Toronto, Canada eaterie Rain. The chef tells The New York Daily News, "Timberlake comes into Rain, doesn't even look at the menu and shouts for random food that we don't make. If he knew what he wanted, why come to an Asian restaurant in the first place? (Furtado) made a reservation for 10 guests. She showed up an hour late with five extra people in tow. For parties that size, we do a prix-fixe type of menu. Nelly objected and was really rude about it. She expected individual dishes to be prepared. Her manager even came into the kitchen and had the gall to say, 'Just f**king do it! I told her that she and her client could just f**king leave." In contrast, Rubino claims Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were the best guests: "They're very polite. Every time they come in, they pop into the kitchen to say hello. I just love them."