I've heard horror stories about Yelp extortion in restaurants. Entitled customers threaten servers and managers with negative Yelp reviews so they can get a free drink/have a meal comped/feel they have some sort of power in their otherwise unimpressive and insignificant shit lives. I'd never encountered someone threatening me with a negative Yelp review (God knows I am already named in several)...until this past weekend.
Meet Alllysinn and her faux rich family from some deep red part of Orange County. I learned all about why they were up in L.A. for the weekend, because I didn't ask, and Alllysinn only talks about herself (something about a friend's baby shower for little Daxton or Cathcart or Jaiymysn or what ever future little monster she was celebrating). Alllysinn and her dead-inside husband looked like a specific type of Orange County money: bargain cosmetic surgery, the hottest clothes from 2008, and constant snarls of disdain that masked their transparent and massive insecurities.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee," she said in that fake, cunty voice that almost-rich women save for people who actually work. "There are literally bread crumbs all over this table," she said with arms raised in disgust, as if a live anaconda were currently crawling on the table top. I grabbed a towel and swatted away the token crumb.
"Anything to drink?" I asked.
"We'll take the bottomless mimosas!" she said. I could tell she was already just a little drunk, but so was I, so glass houses.
"Sorry, we don't offer bottomless mimosas."
"Yes you do."
"No we don't."
"We come here all the time..."
"From Orange County?"
"I know you used to have bottomless mimosas."
"I've worked here from the beginning. We've never had bottomless mimosas. Anything to drink?"
"Uhm we'll need a minute then, and you can go away, waiter" she said dismissively and pointedly.
You've read my blog before. You know what happens when someone tells me to go away. It's one of the few orders I follow very well. Soooooooo. I checked on my other tables, gossiped with the hostess about our crazy chef (and Alllysinn), helped myself to a little lemonade and a lot of vodka, cringed at Madonna's Instagram, checked my complexion in the surprisingly flattering bathroom light, gossiped with the crazy chef about our hostess (and Alllysinn), and refilled my kid's-cup-cocktail.
And finally, 10 minutes later, I returned to Alllysinn's table.
"Where have you been?" she demanded.
"At work," I said.
"Well we've been ready to order literally forever!!!"
"Great! What may I get you?"
"You know, most professionals would apologize after keeping a customer waiting..."
"I'm so sorry that you feel you're owed an apology. Now, what delicious entrees may I bring you?"
She then went off on a long rant about her expectations of service, how she wasn't rich until she married but before that she wasn't afraid to work hard in a tanning salon, how she'll only accept "five star" service, how rich she is and how well she tips when she's pleased, how she's tempted to never dine here again (fingers fucking crossed), and that my options are to either furnish the manager, or she "literally" leaves a Yelp review mentioning me by name (I told her it was Jame - "James" but with no s).
Unmoved, I said, "I'll see if the manager's free. If not, you go ahead and Yelp."
Our passive, terrified manager coddled Alllysinn and comped one round of mimosas off their bill. He gave me a written warning, which is a terrifying thought only if I ever want to apply for another restaurant job, and honestly I'd rather work in a meat processing plant than ever do this again.
I handed off Alllysinn and company to an idiot new bro server who found her fake tits and pig-fat-injected face attractive. Alllysinn kept trying to flag me down after I'd handed off her table, but I was having none of that. Finally, as I was talking to a different table, she approached me and loudly, drunkenly interrupted.
"I'm leaving you the WORST Yelp review anyone has ever left, you fucking prick," she bellowed.
"Go away," the customer at my table said to Alllysinn.
UPDATE: Three days later, and I have yet to see Alllysinn's daming indictment on Yelp. I'm looking forward to it, though. Jame sounds like a real piece of work.