Despite the understandable self-insinuation that I'm a bad server, I'm actually not. I'm competent enough to give great service; it all hinges on whether or not I like you, as defined by how reasonably polite+ you are. So when I receive bad tips for good service, I am rarely more angry. Like, cue the Kill Bill music, gritted teeth, clenched fists, fast walk, flared nostrils and rolled eyes (a.k.a. "The Works"). I feel betrayed, robbed of what's rightfully mine, wounded, and so, so cunty.
Earlier this week, I had three back-to-back incidents of offensive tips from nice-to-at-least-not-pissed-off people for great service. And they all left before I discovered my tips and had the chance to respond with some truly magical bitchery. Meet the offenders:
THE DUMB STUDIO EXEC
In between restaurant stints, I also served time as an assistant at one of the major T.V. networks. During that time, I often interacted with a tediously incompetent executive at an outside studio (let's say Sony, because it was). I served her and a gay friend who was a little too liberal with his gay-ze (though do I blame him?). She was polite, friendly, and not at all as stupid as she was on the phone years ago.
THE TIP: $6 on a $50 bill.
THE AFTERMATH: I was so furious that I drank straight gin.
THE NEEDY BUT POLITE ARMENIAN FAMILY OF EIGHT
They demanded a table that had just been emptied and stacked full of glasses and dessert plates. Once I brought their waters, they needed refills often. They ordered quickly and simply enough, and said "please" and "thank you" with each request. They weren't trashy or loud, and they even complimented my service to the General Manager.
THE TIP: $15 on a $150 bill.
THE AFTERMATH: I was so fucking furious that I drank straight gin.
Of these three precocious, polite teenage girls, only one ordered (a club sandwich and a Shirley Temple). The other two eventually asked if water was free. I gave them a pained "yes" and returned with two waters to hear, in unison from all three, "THANK YOU SO...MUCH!" The lone diner asked if I could break a $20 so she could "leave me some tip." They occupied my booth while we were on a wait for well over an hour after the token plate was cleared.
THE TIP: $1.00 on a $22.00 bill.
THE AFTERMATH: I was so goddamn fucking furious that I gin.