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January 26, 2014



I used to have this dream of investing in personalised pens that read "I Stole This Pen From My Server. I'm An Asshole."

Rita Hayworth

I'm a receptionist at a salon, and had a woman make a HUGE production out of stealing my awesome zebra pattern pen (quietly tacky but writes great.) She took the pen to sign her receipt, and kind of hid it behind her purse- to do that she really had to put it out of the way, so I paid attention. I mentioned to her that she can leave a tip in little envelopes right next to her, and this followed:

Her: "Oh! Wonderful! What was his name again?" *takes an envelope and positions MY pen, 2 for 99 cents so it was an investment piece.)
Me: His name was Sam, thank you!

So she scribbled something, then flounced out. She took my pen (shocker) but what's worse? SHE FAKED A TIP. She just took the envelope and left! Pen thieves are always creeps, it's just a truth of the universe.


I have a suggestion, aimed to assist in adding some comic value to these situations.

Carry around a Speedball type "A" pen--which is a modern dip-style pen, small enough to fit in the pocket, but which doesn't have a built-in ink reservoir.

Hand the Speedball to the customer and then, when they find themselves utterly at a loss and ask you "What the hell is this...?" You say, with equal incredulity: "It's a PEN...??" When they respond, "How am I supposed to use THIS??" you innocently ask: "What--don't you have any ink? Oh, well." Then take it back and say "sorry" while you shrug and walk away.

After all--can't they afford their own pens?


hmm. if this business meeting were all that important:
a. it would have been held in their office
b. they would have come prepared with their own supplies.


Hahahahaha. Loved the response to buying new pens every day.

And yes, I do understand the need to retain all pens. That used to really bother me too.

Stella Rockabella

As a former server with pen rage, I'm always reminded of this when I hear tales of pen thievery:

I chased someone down for my pen once at Applebee's... They willingly gave it back, but not before hearing a snap from their pocket. It was a side click pen and they snapped off the side piece, deliberately making it useless to me!


There is a Freudian line of thought which suggests that borrowing a pen and not returning it is an enactment of penis envy. So, yeah.

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