Our patio proudly welcomes your pooches.
Small to medium-sized dogs are a staple of our patio, and most people abide by the universal etiquette for bringing your pet out in public.
Because of Los Angeles' lovely Fall weather, our patio was particularly popular that day.
"We need to be seated right away," Courtney Love informed me. I made an audible gasp as the stench of her dreadlocks defiled my nostrils.
"Well as you can see," I began with a Vanna White hand flourish, "all the tables on the patio are full."
"Then we'll go inside," she said.
"Not with that pig," I said.
Or your pet, either.
"So, yeah, the hostess inside? She's the one who seats people, not me," I continued.
Courtney Love huffed and puffed and sent in her stinky boyfriend to check in with the hostess. To no one's surprise except the happy couple and their porker, the hostess also told them no pigs were allowed in the restaurant (a phrase that only grew more popular as the day progressed).
Minutes later, I returned to the patio with a tray of ice waters. Courtney Love stood directly in front of me, blocking my path.
"Move," I said. "Like now."
"Not until you bring a table out here and seat us immediately," she said.
"Yeah I'll get right on that," I said, pushing my way past her.
"Did you just push me?" she bellowed for all to hear.
"Did you just block my path?" I said, while setting down the waters.
Her idiot boyfriend, who acted as if he'd just sniffed his way through Home Depot's paint department, manned up.
"There some problem?" he asked. Mind you, he'd been within earshot this entire time and had heard every syllable of my exchange with his bacon-loving bitch.
I grew progressively angrier.
"If you two wanna cause a scene I'll be happy to call the cops," I said. "And I think they only allow so many pigs in jail."
That did it.
Her boyfriend grabbed one of the waters I'd brought out and threw it out the patio, onto the street, narrowly missing oncoming traffic, and tried to get up in my space.
Seconds later, my non-sober manager was on the scene, and the customers on the patio confirmed that I was not the problem in this piggish situation. With that, Courtney, her pet, and her lover were told to leave lest they wanted to incur police action.
Before they were fully out of the patio, one of the tables opened up. I cleaned it off as I waived a bitchy goodbye to my new best friends.