1. God that woman has small hands. I hope I don't have to wait on her.
2. Oh I'm the only server on for the next hour? So every table is mine? Oh bliss!
3. How can a woman with such small hands go through so many chips at once?
4. Yes, asshole, there's alcohol in your drink. Not as much as in my blood stream, but still.
5. Oh you're in a hurry? But you ordered your steak well done and sent back your drink three times?
6. Thank God there's a mirror on the wall above this booth. Let's tune out these Armenians and study the reflection. Ooh, wait. That's actually a very sexy face you just made. Do it again. Ok, do it again, but this time, pout the lips just a little bit more. Oh my God, so sexy. I'll take a picture. Ugh, if only I could crop these shitbags out of the picture. Shit. What did they order again??
7. Small tip from small hands.
8. "Oops I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game. Ooh baby, baby..."
9. Oh Billy's running late? Got lost coming back from his audition? So I need to start his tables, do all the work, then transfer them to Billy when he arrives and let him collect the tip for all my efforts? It'll be a snowy, sober day in Hell before that happens.
10. I can't understand what that Armenian woman asked for, so I'll just come back to her table with a Diet Coke, side of lemons, more salsa, and a hair net.
11. Of course I don't mind running to the drug store next door to buy you a pack of cigarettes! By the way, I love your Ed Hardy shirt - it really brings out the leopard print in your hooker's dress!
12. Oh, she's your mother? That's weird!
13. No, Billy, I won't close the restaurant for you. I'm sure your one-line reading for "Pretty Little Liars" was taxing and all, but I have a bottle of gin and a playlist full of The Carpenters waiting impatiently for me at home.
14. I don't understand, old Armenian woman, you want doggos? What the fuck are doggos?
15. Yes, point to the menu, because it's so well-lit in this cavern.
16. Oh, TACOS. You want TACOS.
17. Yes, officer, your meal is free. You know that. I know that. No need to see whose is bigger by reminding me every time you come in.
18. What was that, Sharmeeka? You didn't like your burrito and you don't think you should have to pay for it, even though you ate every bite like a cannibal on a cruise ship?
19. STOP ASKING ME HOW MUCH LONGER FOR YOUR DOGGOS, YOU AWFUL MISSING LINK!
20. When I get home, I am going to black the fuck out.
21. Oh you work in a restaurant too, so you'll be super easy to wait on? Then stop asking me to give you the happy hour price when it's not happy hour, and stop talking.
22. Thank you, officer, but I don't need to know what you'll be doing in the bathroom, only that you'll be leaving when you're done with your "massive dump."
23. Fuck this, I am going to black out here and now...