You'll pardon my absence, but I've been overworked, so if I seem particularly pissy today, blame the double shifts, the shitty tips, the lack of respect from management, the ones who says they'll call and never do, the ones who shouldn't call and always do, and the fact that I've given up coffee.
Oh, and blame Angela and Jessica, who were responsible for the suspension I just received from work.
Yesterday, in the throngs of a busy lunch shift - a lunch shift that was busy because the managers agreed to give their pet server the day off for his BIG AUDITION, even though I was denied a half day off to have my teeth cleaned but WHATEVER - I had 12 tables at once. That's roughly 50 people, all in a hurry, all bellowing for my attention, all presenting their ridiculous requests as more important than the ridiculous requests of their neighbors.
Angela and Jessica waltzed in, and the MENSA member of a hostess - who was seating the place as unevenly as the bumbled boob job she bought herself through a Groupon - gave me my 12th table while my co-worker stood polishing condiments in her empty section.
"We're ready to order," Angela said as she snapped her fingers when I passed by in a frenzy.
"IN A MINUTE," I yelled.
"Am I the only person here with sight?" I asked our moronic manager, Pee Wee.
"Yeah," he said dryly.
"Because you might want to explain to your hostess that, in an elaborate scheme to balance out the work of the restaurant, we actually recommend seating both sections instead of stacking one server's section first."
"You're cute when you're angry," he said while chewing his BIC pen lid down to a plastic turd.
I huffed and puffed and returned to my tables, caught them up, made it clear to Angela and Jessica that I was ignoring them, grabbed a drink out of the bartender's hand, gulped it, and greeted the newest horrors in my house of freaks.
"Yes?" I said to greet the gals.
"Did you not hear me when I said I was ready to order?" Angela asked with some serious 'tude.
"I did," I replied. "Just as I heard all of those other people who've been here longer tell me that they need more water, more chips, and more salsa, as I'm currently the server to everyone in the restaurant."
"Uhmmmm, Joss-ica?" Angela said, revealing the cacaphony of her valley girl accent. "I think someone's not getting a tip."
Joss-ica rolled her eyes and chimed in, "Can we seriously just, like, hurry this up? We have massage appointments."
Who the fuck eats Mexican food right before a massage appointment?
"Who eats Mexican food right before a massage appointment?" I decided to ask.
"We're not EATING, we're DRINKING," Joss-ica snapped.
"Then I suggest heading to THE BAR where the BARTENDER has little better to do than practice his two-line audition for Pretty Little Liars!"
"We'll sit wherever we want, THANK YOU!" Angela countered.
"Fine, but don't be upset if I can't get to you right away, as you're my 12th table in a row!!!!" I replied. "Now what do you want to drink?"
"A manager," Angela said with sassy, orbital move of her head.
"Not a very strong choice, but I'll be right back with that!"
I let Pee Wee deal with Angela and Jessica. After all, he'd fielded complaints about me before, always followed by an indifferent lecture and some mildly bi-curious come-ons.
But not this time. No, in an effort to really show those two sluts his manhood, he decided to inform me, in front of them, that I was suspended.
So yours truly now has a week off to have my teeth cleaned, fix those things around the house that needed fixing, see some matinees...
And who knows? Maybe I'll return to work a happier, more well-adjusted employee?
Or maybe this suspension will really propel me into a place of extreme sardonic vengeance...
Funny, I just found your blog, I love it! I was a waiter for YEARS.... I also put the frustration in writing.. http://amzn.to/X6xUm8
Posted by: Marla Martenson | March 31, 2013 at 10:24 AM
I Wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes to being a better customer. I had a fantastic encounter with a wait person last night and went out of my way to tell his boss. He told me to go onlne and take the company's survey and tell corporate. So I did and the waiter won a 100 gift card and a day off with pay! I was like his 20th customer who complimented him and so they rewarded his excellence! Perhaps you are making us all better! Thank you:)
Posted by: Karen Smith | March 28, 2013 at 06:46 PM
Gee, I wonder why you get shitty tips.
Posted by: Amy | March 23, 2013 at 01:16 PM
Pee Wee!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I can only imagine what lies in store for we, your privileged readership now that the flame has been kindled by your aptly-named, ambiguously-angled manager. Personally, it seems inconceivable that you could possibly go back after the week off, but...that would mean an end to the blog, which of course would be disastrous.
Posted by: Jet | March 21, 2013 at 04:40 PM
I'd tell the manager that he should take a suspension for not being able to do his job and then I'd tell him that pretending to act like a man by being a jackass is the epitome of being a little boy. Someone should tell Angela that telling a server that they aren't getting a tip can get them some pretty nasty surprises in their drinks. Not that you would do it but she does she really thing that doesn't happen? Don't feel bad. Karma's going to give her a customer who gives her herpes someday.
Posted by: Lily | March 19, 2013 at 02:54 AM
Just found your blog, thanks for sharing and enjoy the vacation :)
Posted by: Rosa B. | March 18, 2013 at 07:36 AM
Wow. I just love when management refuses to help you out, but then sticks up for the asshole customers when CLEARLY you were the one working your ass off, handling every table in the entire restaurant. Management is apparently completely out of touch, not only with customer's needs, but also with what their employees do for a job.
I am very sorry that you got a suspension.
Posted by: fed-up | March 17, 2013 at 02:14 PM
Reading your blog has made me a lot more cognizent of how thinly servers can be stretched at peak time, or when someone(s) didn't show up that day or went home "sick" or were told to go home by the management 5 minutes before a bus pulled up and you watch as the driver opens the luggage compartments to reveal a pile of walkers. I've upped my usual tip from 15% to 20%.
Posted by: carlnepa | March 14, 2013 at 07:12 AM
Great, I love being pushed to the brink by awful management. I know we are supposed to be wonderfully patient as servers, but there are limits on what we can take!
Posted by: rogue wino | March 13, 2013 at 08:40 PM
Wow, what super cunts! I hope Joss-ica gets wicked bad gas and craps herself while Javier rubs her lower back and glutes. That way she'll be ridiculed the way she had you ridiculed in front of them. Plus, ya know, she'll be covered in crap. Sorry they fucked you every which way but sideways on your shift, but I hope you enjoy your break from insanity. Now smile that megawatt smile and tell everyone to fuck themselves! :D
Posted by: Jade B. | March 13, 2013 at 02:03 PM
"and the MENSA member of a hostess - who was seating the place as unevenly as the bumbled boob job she bought herself through a Groupon"
STOP!!!! I love it!
Posted by: Tammy | March 13, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Yay, sardonic vengeance, YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!
I think it's time to give Pee Wee a few mildy bi-curious come-ons of your own... ...just enough to get some dirt on him.
Posted by: Confessions from the Hairdresser | March 13, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Dang, that must have sucked to be ridiculed in front of two ditzy women by your manager.
At least now you can have clean teeth.
Which is always nice.
Perhaps the break will be beneficial for you. :)
Posted by: Brin | March 13, 2013 at 10:49 AM
Hahaha! Surely this isn't your first suspension..
Enjoy your vacay!!!!
Posted by: asa | March 13, 2013 at 10:48 AM