"YOU. HAVE. TO. TELL ME IF ANYONE FAMOUS IS IN HERE!!" Suzie declared.
I had just clocked in and barely had time to swallow the gin and tonic I'd stashed in my right cheek before hearing her battle cry.
"My husband and I are visiting from Arkansas and we HAVE to see famous people while we're here!" she continued.
Oh she was an awkward little thing. Her XL sleeveless Robert Pattinson T-shirt was tied into its own side loop over acid-washed white jeans with blue and pink paint splatters.
She looked like a dancer for a DC Talk tour.
Her husband resembled a piece of white bread, crusts still on, nothing on it, notable only for breath that smelled as if he'd been kissing the wrong end of a dog.
"Oh would you take a picture of us???" she asked.
I obliged and she immediately set to filtering, captioning, and posting it on all manner of social media. I still had yet to introduce myself or take a drink order, mind you.
And then it happened.
In an understandably demure manner, as if to not attract attention to herself, actress Tiffani Amber Thiessen and friend entered the restaurant and were sat at a booth in dangerous proximity to Suzie and Ass Breath.
I, naturally, wasn't about to say anything, and not so much out of respect for Miss Thiessen but because I wanted to be rid of the Arkansans ASAP. Ass Breath, however, was quick on the draw.
"Honey! Don't look now, but Tiffany Allen Tyson just walked in," he said in a shouted whisper.
And because they apparently speak in a language that twins teach each other, she caught his jumbled reference without need for clarification.
"Oh my GAAAWD oh my God oh my God oh my God!!" Suzie started to freak. I didn't know if she was going to cry, lose her breath, or give birth to a litter of kittens. She immediately took to her phone and Tweeted (something to the effect of) "N A RESTRNT W KELLY KAPOWSKI FRM SVD BY THE BLL!!"
"You have to tell me EVERYTHING she orders, EVERYTHING she says!" Suzie insisted.
"She's not in my section," I replied.
"I DON'T CARE!!! OMG PLEASE! EAVESDROP! TAKE OVER THE TABLE!!!!"
"I'd rather die," I responded. "And you two need to order or we'll have to give this table to someone else."
The three of us looked around at the nearly empty restaurant.
Still, they ordered.
Minutes later, as I returned with the drinks, Suzie had her questions and statements ready.
"Ask your co-worker what she ordered!"
"See if you can take a pic of her without being noticed!"
"Do you think she'll mind if I go up and say 'hi???'"
"No to everything," I responded. "Especially the last one. Here in the big city, most actors don't take kindly to people interrupting their meals for picture requests or chit chat."
Suzie gave me a determinedly blank look. My warning did not register.
With a gulp of her daquiri, Suzie bolted and barged in on T.A.T.'s conversation. I, of course, stayed within earshot to savor the awkwardness.
"I'm....such a huge fan of yours," Suzie began.
T.A.T. and friend were caught off guard, but still quite polite.
"Oh, well thank you," she replied.
"I own every episode of Saved By the Bell and Melrose Place," Suzie said.
"That's so sweet," T.A.T. tried with a smile, "but I wasn't on Melrose Place. I was on 90210."
"Oh..." Suzie responded, and walked away immediately.
She returned, near tears, to Ass Breath.
"Omg she was SO rude," Suzie proclaimed.
Trust me, she wasn't, not by a long shot.
With that, Ass Breath wrapped his arms around his wife & shrouded her in the impenetrable fortress of his breath. And thanks to the unintentional deflation courtesy of T.A.T., I didn't hear a peep from them. They minded their manners, tipped well, and then left.
I was, truly, saved by Saved By the Bell.