I hate drunk people, I hate precocious kids, I hate working late.
Therefore, I hate Halloween.
Because we servers are forced against our will to dress up, so that the throngs of trash from the valley may be dazzled by the Halloween spirit, I've put a little more thought into my costume prospects this year:
COSTUME IDEA 1:
"The needy drunk girl"
For this costume, Halloween would ideally be on a Monday night, as Monday is our "30% off all food night." We attract the bacteria that feeds off the debris that lives underneath the valley trash. It's a sight. And one especially obnoxious, needy girl is a mainstay of our Monday night monstrosity.
As an homage to her, my costume would feature a far-too-tight dress and clumsy heels, coupled with caked-on makeup (different colors completely for the face and neck). The wig would be of a forced cutesy style with cheap highlights and drastic texturing. I'd constantly be texting someone, anyone, to pay attention to me.
And for the final piece of my costume, I'd go home with the first hefty guy who pays more than 40 seconds worth of attention to me. And then call him incessantly for four weeks after.
COSTUME IDEA 2:
"The entitled regular"
This costume simply entails a verbal assault on anyone not making me their sole priority. Ideally I'd be dressed in a cheap business suit purchased at a buy-one-get-four-free warehouse sale in Van Nuys. Also, lots of yelling at my server and into my cell phone simultaneously. And the most important part of this costume? My patent phrase, "But I come here all the time."
COSTUME IDEA 3:
Dressed in leopard print and armed with an arsenal of gigantic boobs, lips riddled with fluffy chemicals, and a sexual fire that's only heightened by alcohol consumption, my costume will consist of dancing on tables and making highly inappropriate physical suggestions with a side of corn on the cob.
COSTUME IDEA 4:
"The frat bro dude"
Dude! I'm toootally dressing in a v-neck T-shirt, ball cap, ill-fitting jeans and Converse, bro! Gonna wait impatiently while you speak, not listening to a word you say but ready to tell my next awesome joke whenever you're done talking!
My jokes will be suuuuper offensive, too, because I'm not actually funny; I just make people shake their heads with my shock value! I'll be makin' some sweet-ass comments about The Needy Drunk Girl and The Cougar.
Also, I won't lie, shit's gonna get major awkward when I get really drunk and try to drive home. BRO!!!
COSTUME IDEA 5:
"The not-so-famous actor"
Through name-dropping, translucently white teeth and impossibly coiffed hair, I'll make sure you at least claim to recognize me from one of my many one-line appearances on such shows as "Cougar Town" or "Suite Life of Zack and Cody." We'll talk all about me, all night, and at every turn I'll allude to one of my multiple talents no matter how afield it might be from the actual topic of discussion.
So take your pick! Leave a vote in the comments section, and whichever receives the most votes is what I'll don for this year's Halloween shift.