You've got hate mail

I'd like to extend a big thank you to everyone who watched my 20/20 stint and took the time to e-mail your kind words.

I'd also like to thank those of you who had enough time on your hands to tell me how much you hate waiters, hate my blog, and hate the frigid way I walk through a restaurant candidly on camera.    

And on the heels of such disdain comes this occasional feature in which I'll repost some of my favorite hate mail/comments, along with my responses.

First up we have Benji, who wrote in response to my recent blog entry in which I expressed a lack of gratitude for receiving a tanning bed I.O.U. on a napkin as my tip.

Benji writes:

Dude did u ever think someone might have been short on cash etc.You never know someone's sitch.As for your other rants..Man you are one whinnying waiter!Did it ever occur to you that customers might be acting rude because they can sense your bitchiness and disgust of them.Sure there are rude ass peeps but there are also rude ass waiters .Chill a little u don't no what kind of day someone is having.

Dear Benji,

It's obvious you've never worked in a restaurant.  If someone can't afford to tip, then someone should get a Hot-N-Ready from Little Caesar's.  I don't know about you, but I'm always cognizant (look it up) of how much cash I have on me.  And should I find myself in a "sitch" without cash where I need to tip?  I run to an ATM.  I borrow cash from a friend.  But I DON'T leave a note on a napkin.  It wasn't my problem that Mindy was short on cash, so why should I be the one who's inconvenienced for her lack of consideration?

You see, unlike almost every other profession, servers make their living through tips.  Not minimum wage, not tans, not I.O.U.s, not verbal compliments.  Tips.  And on top of that, with each table we have to tip out the hostess, the bartender and the bus boy a percentage of the table's bill.  So not only did Mindy not tip me; I still had to tip out the aformentioned out of my own pocket.  In essence, I PAID to wait on Mindy.  Understand how all that works?

How would you like it if your boss told you you'd be paid in a coupon to On the Beach Tanning instead of monetarily (look it up)?  You wouldn't be very pleased, would you?  So please tell all your friends and family who can't afford to tip to avoid restaurants and stick with Taco Bell.
--
Something named "ImDaBomb" writes:

Dude ur blog is hella fucked up and racist.  You sound like a stupid gay homo and entitled and angry. If ur so angry about ur job maybe you should just shoot yourself and get it over with?

Dear ImDaBomb,

First, thank you for the suggestion.  My flask is almost empty and I was worried about how I'd cope with my upcoming double shifts, but through your prose I see a solid possibility.

Second, if you really, truly read my blog, you'll know that no one is safe from my ire.  I ridicule people for their dining behavior regardless of whether they're black, white, Christian, atheist, fat, thin, Hispanic, Armenian, blonde, brunette, strippers, actors, doctors, other waiters, and yes, even those pesky queers.

By the way, in your articulate, Rosa Parks-esque plight against racism, I see you use gay in a derogatory fashion.  Many of your DMV co-workers and neighbors in your welfare-subsidized dwelling could very well be closeted homosexuals, afraid to come out because you might go all hate crime on them.  So while you pride yourself on an anti-racism platform, you might question your integrity across the board as it pertains to equality.  

But thanks for reading.  I know that words not spray-painted on a billboard are usually outside your scope of comprehension. 

Comments

[star]

You are absolutely fabulous! I love, love, love your blog! Someone needs to give you a column if they haven't already. Do you have a book coming out? When/if it does, I'm buying it!

[EM]

Using the Biblical principle of the Golden Rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) at our Church, every so often, we are kindly reminded that it would not be loving on our part to dine/drink at establishments if we cannot afford the tip (and even at hotels/motels for the cleaning/room service personnel) as the employees at these establishments depend on their tips. Kudos to all the wonderful waitstaff we've met through the years - its a tough, tough job - you deserve the tips!

[Betsy F.]

You slay me! Your responses to Benji & ImDaBomb's inanely, cursory & nescient comments (boys, just leave the dictionary handy) to your 20/20 appearance, were histerical! It truly amazes me how strangely motivated some people can be, to share their stupidity with us all. Love the blog, check it everyday now! Keep it coming!

[Terrie]

Saw you on 20/20 and loved it! I immediately looked up your blog. LOVE it! I've been a server/bartender for 20 years and still make the same hourly wage! People who can't tip should keep their asses at home. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but stereo types are stereo types for a reason. That doesn't make us racist or haters, etc...that's just a fact. Thank you for bringing more attention to the crap we have to put up with on a daily basis and educating people on the way things work!

[Anna]

I waited tables in college, if you can't leave a 15-20% gratuity.. Then go to fast food joints. Simple as that! Vent away dude! It's a free country.

[Michelle Martin]

I think you are too funny!!!

[Wegortw]

As always, hilarious, keep it up

[Amber]

I saw you on 20/20 as well and decided to read your blog. I could not stop reading and read from the beginning to the end in one night. I think everything you say needs to be said as some people in America have no couth. I work in the hospitality business and come across people like that all the time. I always say just because I'm wearing a name tag and work at this facility does not translate into your doormat with whom you can treat with blatant disrespect. I as well am quick to put these people in their place, knock them off their high horse. So kudos to you for standing your ground and keep the laughs coming because they sure make my day!

[Carol]

You should've been on more than that other guy -- he has nothing on you. Plus you're way hotter.

[Anon]

Reading your responses to the hotmess messages left on your blog, made what has been a longggggg work day, BETTER! I cried from laughter, thank you-

[Ryan]

FYI, tomorrow's This Morning on CBS (5/3/12, 7am-9am) will have a report on "5 Things Your Restaurant Doesn't Want You to Know."

[Ryan]

"ImDaBomb" writes:
"You sound like a stupid gay homo"
---
Gay homo? As opposed to a straight homo? Does being a gay homo make you a Kinsey 12? Are you doubly faaabulous?

[Ryan]

Tune into Anderson Cooper today 5/1/12 (his talk show, not CNN's AC360). The show is about Rudeness, and includes a segment about eateries, with the perspective of both staff and patrons. The last segment is about cutting in line, and features a hidden camera thingie with a cute guy. :) Footage on Anderson's official site.

http://www.andersoncooper.com/episodes/judi-dench-american-idol-castoff-anderson-investigates-why-are-we-rude/

[Lauren]

you know I think you may be the perfect blend of a nice-looking guy with a great sense of humor. I have been a server for ten years (yikes, btw) and I enjoy your point of view on things I see every damn day. I've been reading your writing for a while now, and I'm glad you got so many new fans. well deserved!

[horrorfeminista]

Love, love, love your blog. Gives me great story ideas!

[DeLoris]

I for one admire waiters/waitresses. They work very hard and deserve all the tips you can afford to give them. I always tip above 20%.
Anyone who works with the public has my deepest admiration. I could not do it.
Big Hugs to you Sweetie!!
DeLoris

[asia]

I started following your blog after seeing your interview! You are hilarious! You also make me scrutinize my past behavior at restaurants I hope I wasn't too terrible. Thankfully my husband and I have enough sense to not bring our two toddlers to any restaurant! (They aren't fully trained yet)

[Karen Smith]

I have to admit that I am now completly terrified to go out to eat ever again, but you can best believe that every waiter I come across now will get a tip big enough to put his kids through college! :) and I agree with Liz, that the laughter I've been getting reading your blog, should be compensated in its own right!

[Bitter Waiter]

Here you are, Lauren!

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/Waiter-Food-Hockey-Puck-Spit-Yuch-Chris-Cuomo-ABC-ABCNews-News-US-16232751

[Lauren]

Could you post a link for the 20/20 segment? I missed it, and would love to put a face to your writing

[Karen]

Screw the haters! I used to be a server. Give em hell :)

[Angela]

I love this one! I found your blog after seeing you on 20/20 & I'm so glad that I did. Thanks for explaining the "servers make their living through tips" thing... Although most ignorant assholes will remain ignorant assholes.

[Heidi]

You are kind of cunty, I love it!!!! Great blog!

[chris]

I almost think it would be just as fun for you to have a blog solely for responding to hate mail. I love your bitchy little tongue :)

[SweatyNoel]

People who type written responses with text vernacular when they have full access to a normal sized keyboard clearly don't have the intelligence to comprehend proper dining out/tipping etiquette anyway. I propose that hostesses administer a brief but basic spelling and grammar test before seating potential customers at the table. If they use "u" for "you" and "no" for "know", they are automatically redirected across the street to the 7-11, where they can satiate any variety of cravings with the quality of food more suitable to their refined tastes without having to navigate the social minefield of interacting with a food server or the stress of figuring out a 20% tip.