I recently had to babysit an uppity, foul-mouthed teenage girl and her fugly friends in my section. They arrived with their ill-conceived air of superiority and gum-smacking mall speak.
I approached the table and interrupted their dish sesh from the school day's happs. The three of them shared a collective glare as I posed my normal question, "May I bring you anything to drink?"
And then suddenly, Lolita the ringleader, turned the frown upside down and gave me a fake smile.
"We'd like, like, a pitcher of margaritas?"
"Mmmm hmmm," I responded. "May I see your IDs?"
With that, Lolita gave me a coy look and pulled out a Woodland Hills Country Club Swim Membershp ID.
"Yeeeeeah," I said, "I mean, like, a driver's license or something with, like, your birth date?"
Lolita misinterpreted this as, "I'm flirting with you," and hunkered over just a hair to reveal some of her Hit Me Baby One More Time jail bait. Whereas she likely envisioned all my manly chemicals rising into rapacious sexual desire, I would have rather watched "The 700 Club" while wearing wet clothes than peer into her Forever 21 blouse.
"What if, like, I left my ID in my car?" she purred.
"Then go get it," I countered. "Or did you girls ride your bikes here?"
With that, Lolita could tell I wasn't playing around and she slumped back into her seat, folded her arms, looked at her fugly friends in disbelief and demanded a water "NO lemon, NO ice, AH straw."
"Sure!" I said with effervescent sunshine radiating from my shit-eating grin. "And for you girls?"
The girls looked to their leader.
"Uhm...same? Water? NO lemon? NO ice? AH straw?" she said on their behalf.
I smiled again and walked off.
From that point on, I could tell Lolita and her fugly (like, REALLY fugly) friends wanted to punish me. Me? I'd spent the night before facing Nyquil-induced terrors about being in high school naked, my TiVo had unceremoniously skipped "30 Rock," and I woke up to discover I had cereal for breakfast but was out of gin. So I was exceptionally pissy.
"Uhm, is there any reason our guacamole is taking so long?" Lolita asked.
"Beats me," I replied, "but I think it's because you never ordered it."
"Uhm, yeah we did?"
"Uhm, no you didn't?"
"Jessica? Sally? Did I not, like, order guacamole?"
Jessica and Sally gave each other a nervous look. They knew they'd be lying if they said yes.
"Yeah, didn't think they remembered it because it didn't happen," I said in a blatant mimmick of Lolita. "Do you want me to, like, put in an order of guacamole?"
"No, not if you didn't put it in when I first told you to."
That's what she said.
"Mmmkay great everyone ready to order?" I asked.
"We're going to split a caesar salad," Lolita said.
I could tell she wanted some sign that her pittance of an order annoyed me. But like my stoic ancestors from the prairie before me, I refused to let adversity make me crack, and took her abuse with another smile. Also, I knew I was seconds away from taking my afternoon sleeping pill, so I didn't give a fuck.
The salad came to the table.
"Uhm...we wanted this split three ways?" Lolita said.
"Sorry," I said, "we don't split small salads."
"Uhm...then maybe we should talk to a manager?" Lolita said.
"Today's actually my last day," I lied. "So you can tell him whatever you want."
"Wow, sounds like someone really doesn't want us to tip?" Lolita said.
"Yeah, I had a table leave me, like, $100 earlier because it's my last day?" I responded. "So I really don't need a tip on a small caesar salad."
With that, Lolita and company asked for the bill. When she tried to pay with a credit card, I lied and said it was declined. Neither Jessica nor Sally offered to pitch in, so I told Lolita she'd have to run to an ATM and withdraw cash. She tried to up and leave right then and there, but I also told her she'd have to leave collateral in case she didn't return.
She left her cell phone, and about 40 seconds after she ran to the ATM, the manager told me I was cut for the day. So I transferred Lolita's table to an unsuspecting server and stored her collateral in a safe place.
The walk-in freezer.