Mean girls

I recently had to babysit an uppity, foul-mouthed teenage girl and her fugly friends in my section.  They arrived with their ill-conceived air of superiority and gum-smacking mall speak.

I approached the table and interrupted their dish sesh from the school day's happs.  The three of them shared a collective glare as I posed my normal question, "May I bring you anything to drink?"

And then suddenly, Lolita the ringleader, turned the frown upside down and gave me a fake smile.

"We'd like, like, a pitcher of margaritas?"

"Mmmm hmmm," I responded.  "May I see your IDs?"

With that, Lolita gave me a coy look and pulled out a Woodland Hills Country Club Swim Membershp ID.

"Yeeeeeah," I said, "I mean, like, a driver's license or something with, like, your birth date?"

Lolita misinterpreted this as, "I'm flirting with you," and hunkered over just a hair to reveal some of her Hit Me Baby One More Time jail bait.  Whereas she likely envisioned all my manly chemicals rising into rapacious sexual desire, I would have rather watched "The 700 Club" while wearing wet clothes than peer into her Forever 21 blouse.

"What if, like, I left my ID in my car?" she purred.

"Then go get it," I countered.  "Or did you girls ride your bikes here?"

With that, Lolita could tell I wasn't playing around and she slumped back into her seat, folded her arms, looked at her fugly friends in disbelief and demanded a water "NO lemon, NO ice, AH straw."

"Sure!" I said with effervescent sunshine radiating from my shit-eating grin.  "And for you girls?"

The girls looked to their leader.

"Uhm...same?  Water?  NO lemon?  NO ice?  AH straw?" she said on their behalf.

I smiled again and walked off. 

From that point on, I could tell Lolita and her fugly (like, REALLY fugly) friends wanted to punish me.  Me?  I'd spent the night before facing Nyquil-induced terrors about being in high school naked, my TiVo had unceremoniously skipped "30 Rock," and I woke up to discover I had cereal for breakfast but was out of gin.  So I was exceptionally pissy.

"Uhm, is there any reason our guacamole is taking so long?" Lolita asked.

"Beats me," I replied, "but I think it's because you never ordered it."

"Uhm, yeah we did?"

"Uhm, no you didn't?"

"Jessica?  Sally?  Did I not, like, order guacamole?"

Jessica and Sally gave each other a nervous look.  They knew they'd be lying if they said yes. 

"Yeah, didn't think they remembered it because it didn't happen," I said in a blatant mimmick of Lolita.  "Do you want me to, like, put in an order of guacamole?"

"No, not if you didn't put it in when I first told you to."

That's what she said.

"Mmmkay great everyone ready to order?" I asked.

"We're going to split a caesar salad," Lolita said.

I could tell she wanted some sign that her pittance of an order annoyed me.  But like my stoic ancestors from the prairie before me, I refused to let adversity make me crack, and took her abuse with another smile.  Also, I knew I was seconds away from taking my afternoon sleeping pill, so I didn't give a fuck.

The salad came to the table.

"Uhm...we wanted this split three ways?" Lolita said.

"Sorry," I said, "we don't split small salads."

"Uhm...then maybe we should talk to a manager?" Lolita said.

"Today's actually my last day," I lied.  "So you can tell him whatever you want."

"Wow, sounds like someone really doesn't want us to tip?" Lolita said.

"Yeah, I had a table leave me, like, $100 earlier because it's my last day?" I responded.  "So I really don't need a tip on a small caesar salad."

With that, Lolita and company asked for the bill.  When she tried to pay with a credit card, I lied and said it was declined.  Neither Jessica nor Sally offered to pitch in, so I told Lolita she'd have to run to an ATM and withdraw cash.  She tried to up and leave right then and there, but I also told her she'd have to leave collateral in case she didn't return.

She left her cell phone, and about 40 seconds after she ran to the ATM, the manager told me I was cut for the day.  So I transferred Lolita's table to an unsuspecting server and stored her collateral in a safe place.

The walk-in freezer.

Comments

[Joe Jenkins]

Great blog. I live in the UK, so the way tips work are different, along with other things, but the people can be just the same.

I waited tables when I was younger, I'm just so happy that I got out of it, due mainly to the idiots like you mention.

Anyway, getting to my point, I have been to the States a couple of times and, no matter what others around the world say, Americans are among the nicest people I've met. However, you are badly let down by these cliquey girls who act like the World owes them something. It was good to see how you treated them.

[Joyce Taylor]

A sincere question: How do you tell a waiter to PLEASE stop coming by every 4 minutes to ask me and my companion if: everything taste okay? are we doing okay here? Can I get you anything else? Do you need a refill? Do you want dessert? and on and on. All I want is to have my food order delivered in a timely manner and as ordered. If I need anything I will raise my hand to get your attention, but for the love of God PLEASE stop interrupting our conversation. I mean this as a respectful question. Do you have a helpful answer to accomplish my goal and yet be polite to my waiter?

[Jimmy]

that rocks bro, saw you on 20/20 as well. I was a server a bartender and a chef, basically I run every part of the restaurant business and I know how that goes.
I just cant do that now owning my own place and if it gets to a point that is even close to that I have my crew let me deal with it rather then them get shit on like that.

[hannah]

Just saw you on 20/20, and I had to come read your blog. I'm already cracking up after the first two posts. I *CRINGE* when I seen "valley" like teenage girls. It makes me SO proud I was never that vapid, and never will be that vapid. I work retail and I ignore little brats like that, I will seriously not even give them the time of day.

[Sarita]

Oh god. This is my life.

[Bianca Yo Mama]

Gin and cereal, mmmmmmm yum.

[Naughty Waitress]

You have a sick mind for vengeance. I love it :)

[Asa]

I fucking hate teenage girls. I once had this little teenage bitch that told my sweet co-worker that she was FAT because we wouldn't serve her alcohol bc she didn't have an ID?!!?!

[The Restaurant Manager]

That was AWESOME!

[chris]

"Also, I knew I was seconds away from taking my afternoon sleeping pill, so I didn't give a fuck."

Oh Chase. How I heart you.

[sulky kitten]

Loved reading this.I hope you managed to pick up some gin on the way home. You surely must have the patience of a hostage negotiator.

[MM]

Please, please staring posting more often :)

[fart bomb]

"I woke up to discover I had cereal for breakfast but was out of gin". CLASSIC!

The end is always the saddest for me because I know there is no more Bitter Waiter until the next entry.

[Mike L]

I would have rather watched "The 700 Club" while wearing wet clothes than peer into her Forever 21 blouse.

Yes!!!!