"Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush..." (part four)

Today is the final act of our journey down the red carpet.  Now pop some pills, be up to date on all your injections, and let's get on with the show. 

In alphabetical order...

CHARLIE SHEEN:

(From "Bitter Waiter," March 2011):

Years ago, while in the presence of Hollywood's latest train wreck, I encountered few signs of his current dementia.  I did, however, glean this nugget from the experience.

CHARLIE SHEEN: (drunk) HEY WAITER...
ME: Mmm?
CHARLIE: What do you all do with the food you throw out at the end of the night?
ME: It goes in the Dumpster.  Why?
CHARLIE: Because I have, like, a shit load of food left over from a party and I'm trying to find a place to throw it all away.  'Cause I don't want to give it to crazy homeless people.  Maybe I'll just use your Dumpter.
ME: Go right ahead.
CHARLIE: Wasn't asking for permission, bro.

SARAH SILVERMAN:

I've dealt with employees at the California DMV who've come closer to making me laugh than Sarah Silverman. 

I don't find her funny.  I don't find her shocking.  I don't find her intelligent.  I find her tired, desperate, and annoying in a way that could only be reproduced by sniffing gasoline while babysitting a pack of crying Armenian children in a van in the thick of Friday night traffic on the 405 while my mom sits in the backseat asking if I've found a church yet.   

Sarah complained that our tortilla chips weren't vegan.  She complained that we didn't have vegan fajitas.  She complained that the music was too loud.  She complained that the lighting was too dim.  She complained that I didn't refill her water quickly enough.  She complained that her husband's meat dish was making her sick.  She complained that she was complaining. 

Thank God her husband tipped.  And divorced her.

ASHLEE SIMPSON:

After railing on her sister last week, I feel it's only fair I say that Ashlee Simpson was a polite, friendly, well-tipping customer.  And even her squirrely husband was nice. 

Her pervy father?  Not so much.

KRISTEN STEWART:

"Oh.  Hi.  I'm, like, Kristen Stewart.  I look like I'm taking a nap as you try to take my order because you'll never understand the pain and angst I suffer from.  I hate acting.  I hate Twilight.  I hate my fans.  All of this is really a burden.  I wish I could just, like, hang out at home and look at flannel samples and chain smoke and watch television ironically. 

I'm, like, really beautiful and misunderstood, and I want to pretend that I don't want everyone to see me and notice me.  If I speak so softly when I order that you can't understand me, it's because I am delicate, I am a pixie, I am a really, like, gentle soul.  I am better than you. 

Oh, and I don't tip.  Your tip is waiting on me.  Me, Kristen Stewart, the most foul, smelly, cunty hipster you'll ever meet."

 

REESE WITHERSPOON:

Reese, on the other hand, is every bit the polite lady.  Her children were well-behaved.  Her manners impeccable.  Her tip generous.  And after waiting on her consecutively for a few months, she even took the time to learn my name.

And to boot, she's even more attractive in person. 

 

RENEE ZELLWEGER:

And last but certainly not least, meet my unlikely favorite for "Best Celebrity Customer.  Ever."

Toward the end of my shift, Renee and her friend quietly entered the restaurant, politely acknowledged that we'd be closing soon, and offered to order everything at once and pay immediately as well so that I could leave at a decent hour. 

More than any other celebrity mentioned, Renee Zellweger was the friendliest, funniest, most gracious, appropriately personable, and even encouraging.  I actually found myself not wanting her to leave. 

And while her bill was only $40 or so, she gave me a $100 bill and left before I could bring back the change.

So thank you, Renee Zellweger, for being someone who professed to making her start working in bars and restaurants, and for not forgetting your humble roots.  I think you're adorable.

--

That's all for this chapter of Celebrity Encounters.  But stay tuned next week, as I'll be back to my usual form, telling stories and indulging the hateful cries of my bitter, bitter heart. 

 

Comments

[Glen]

Thanks for the blog.

[http://interiordesigncoursesonline.net]

Thanks very nice blog!

[Dustin]

Thanks for posting all of these, I found them highly entertaining!

[Adam Hawthorne]

I'm not surprised to hear that Ashlee Simpson is remotely normal... ...I would expect nothing less from someone who has faced the trials and tribulations surrounding her old nose.

I'm not surprised to hear that Sarah Silverman is a cunt. Most vegans are. I don't eat meat and I'm the first to admit that it makes me fucking miserable and the WORLD AROUND ME SUFFERS ALONGSIDE ME as a result.

[Bagel Fairy]

Not at all surprised about Kristen Stewart. As soon as I saw she was cast in Twilight, I knew she was all entitlement and no talent.

[asa]

Meh. Kristen Stewart. No one cares about her.

[Jet]

That's the greatest picture of Sheen ever taken...I've never seen him without his lipstick on! Weird.

[chris]

"I find her tired, desperate, and annoying in a way that could only be reproduced by sniffing gasoline while babysitting a pack of crying Armenian children in a van in the thick of Friday night traffic on the 405 while my mom sits in the backseat asking if I've found a church yet." might be the funniest thing you've written yet!

[MM]

Yeah Kristen Stewart was beyond cunty when I waited on her. Such a twat.