"Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush..." (part two)

Today is part two of our journey down the red carpet.  Now pop some pills, be up to date on all your injections, and let's get on with the show. 

In alphabetical order...

TERI HATCHER:

I've had more fun as a hostage in a convenience store than I did waiting on Teri Hatcher.  The speed of the ceiling fan, the temperature of her soup, the volume of my voice, the type of music playing in the background, the lack of blue corn tortilla chips, the size of the silverware, the quality of toilet paper in the bathroom -- this crazy loon complained about EVERYTHING.  And I suppose she was under the impression that I actually watch her fledgling faux comedy on ABC, because every time I approached the table she looked at me like I was about to ask for an autograph.

And speaking of, she threw a fit when I had to chase her down to the parking lot because she had neglected to sign her credit card receipt, and I can't claim my tip (in her case 15 percent) unless I have a signed credit card slip. 

"But I did sign it," she protested as I held the clearly un-signed piece of paper in front of her.

KATHERINE HEIGL:

Oh Katie Heigl, with your proclamation that "I'll be the easiest person you've ever waited on!" 

I'm not sure you and I agree on what constitutes "easy," given the amount of times you returned your Diet Coke to see if I could "fix the syrup level."  I get it.  There's a precise balance in these types of beverages that will make or break them.  But after sending back a Diet Coke four times, maybe you should order an iced tea instead.  I think you got your fix whilst smoking that entire pack of cigarettes in between bites, anyway. 

 KATIE HOLMES: 

I have killed cockroaches at work with more warmth and personality than Katie Holmes (and I met her pre-Scientology when she was still with dufus Chris Klein - see below).

What I remember most about Katie, other than her oozing condescension, is that upon seeing how much Chris Klein tipped me (50%), the little darling couldn't help herself and exclaimed "No waiter deserves that much money!"

The same can also be said about actresses who were once relevant but now couldn't open a Bargain Mart, let alone a motion picture. 

CHRIS KLEIN:

The guy really is dumber than a blind dog fetching a frisbee, but he couldn't have been nicer.  Every question or statement came with a smile, and he always said "please" and "thank you." 

The poor fool had my complete sympathy, as his then-girlfriend did nothing but nag him, insult his shirt, comment on how much he ate, and, yes, even judged his tip.  And with each bitter quip from Katie, Chris just smiled and adored her. 

I hope he takes some vindication in the death of her career.  I know I do, and I only had to deal with her for one meal.  He must have the patience of Job.   

 MATT LEBLANC:

"Jesus, leave me alone, let me sit in peace for a minute!" was the response I received to my inquiry of "May I bring you anything to drink?"

And thus fat, pompous, gray-haired Matt LeBlanc, whom I've always suspected of being just slightly mentally retarded, did not see me again. 

 

 

 

EVANGELINE LILLY:

She's even more gorgeous in person, exceptionally low-maintenance, witty and engaging, and radiantly warm and friendly.

But beware, for as one annoying customer from across the restaurant found out, she doesn't enjoy discussing the secrets of LOST while brunching with friends.  

 

GWYNETH PALTROW

I'll bet you really wish I had something awful to say about Gwyneth Paltrow, don't you? 

Sorry.  And while she isn't my #1 favorite celebrity customer of all time, she ranks highly up there. 

Gwyneth, from my limited experience, is gracious, personable, and wickedly funny.  She's the kind of girl who makes you want to pull up a chair and enjoy some macrobiotic treats and dark beer in her presence.  She even took the time to pose with a group of chatty Asian tourists, who I later learned thought she was Kirsten Dunst. 

JULIA ROBERTS

If she's America's sweetheart, then America needs to spend an evening serving her.

For starters, Julia Roberts is not friendly.  Not by a long shot.  Entitled, annoyed, and condescending?  Yes.  But friendly? Nope.

I wish I could say I communicated with her directly, but instead each time I took her order, she rolled her eyes at me and whispered to her husband, who communicated the order to me.  For example:

ME: What would you like to drink?
(Julia rolls eyes, whispers in her husband's ear)
HUSBAND: She'd like a martini.
ME: Vodka or gin?
(Julia rolls eyes, whispers in her husband's ear)
HUSBAND: Vodka. 

I made it a point to ask her husband as many questions as possible, including my favorite, "Is she done with her plate?"  Her husband seemed mildly nice enough, but she was a diva of the worst kind - one who finds herself too good to talk to the rabble. 
--
Stay tuned next week, during which I will reveal the identity of my least favorite celebrity customer of all time...a celebrity who's so awful, he/she gets his/her own entry.

 

Comments

[Adam Hawthorne]

Ooh, ooh, OOOOOOOOH!! Tell me it's JS! Tell me it's JS!!

[Bohemianserver]

Please let it be Sean Penn. Please let it be Sean Penn. Please let it (don't interrupt me, I'm praying) ....

[Lou]

Gwyneth came into my restaurant in NY, total bitch, sent everything back. Maybe you're a lot cuter than I am.

[Laura]

I love how you know which ones were negative and which were positive before reading, just based on how ugly of a picture you dredged up for them

[Jessica]

My husband just said, "Give this man a TV show. Give him a book deal. He's so good."

I was happy that I guessed which one of these people would be a-holes and which would be nice human beings.

[PeterB]

This made my day. Can't wait for Part 3.

And it's inspiring me to contemplate writing something similar about my days of doing press junkets...

[Asa]

I've had to wait on a few of these people, too, and the only one I'll disagree with is Julia Roberts. She was polite, cool, and tipped well. Maybe you caught her on a bad night??