Bitter Waiter by the hour

3:00 P.M.
Accept the fact that my shift begins in exactly two hours.

3:01 P.M.
Frantically call all co-workers to see if someone can pick up my shift due to a last minute "rehearsal," or "sickness," or "audition," or "date," or "death of a close high school acquaintance."

3:05 P.M.
Accept that no one will cover my shift.  Consume one last dirty martini, take a nap, and set alarm.

5:06 P.M.
Wake up to the sound of a homeless man screaming outside my apartment & realize I set my alarm for 4:30 A.M.  In lieu of shower, douse myself with water from the sink and apply deodorant.  Search in vain for a flask and pour some vodka in a plastic Ziploc bag to drink at work.

5:10 P.M.
Call work in a panic to explain that I'm running late due to a last minute "rehearsal," or "sickness," or "audition," or "date," or "death of a close high school acquaintance."

5:25 P.M.
Arrive at work and apologize profusely to manager for being late.  I assume manager is pissed because he won't even face me.  Seconds later, I realize I have apologized for being late to an unfortunate looking female customer.

5:26 P.M.
Survey my section to see that I've been sat with three families of six, two elderly couples, and a grumpy old man who farts frequently without acknowledging it...all of whom have been sat since 5 P.M. and have yet to be greeted by anyone.  Thanks co-workers!

5:30 P.M.
Play "catch up" by turning in a rapid-fire amount of drink orders.  I listen to the bartender bitch about having to make eight drinks at once.  Somehow this digresses into yet another anecdote about his acting career and unrealized potential, expressed briefly with a one-line co-star appearance on an episode of 21 Jump Street.

5:45 P.M.
The gassy old man asks where his food is.  I remind him that he hasn't ordered yet.  We argue about this while I cover my nose with a cocktail napkin. 

5:46 P.M.
The first party of six is offended that the second party of six received their food first because the first party of six ordered before them.  The first party ordered steak fajita dinners, all well done.  The second party ordered two appetizers and several drinks.  Both parties can take turns kissing my ass.

5:47 P.M.
One of the elderly couples complains that the party of six is too loud and too drunk.  When I ask to which party of six they're referring, the elderly lady answers "Both of them."

5:48 P.M.
The second elderly couple attempts to leave without paying.  I remind them they haven't paid their bill yet.  The elderly man disagrees.  We argue about this while I cover my nose with a cocktail napkin (moth balls).

6:00 P.M.
I watch indifferently as the food runner delivers all of my food to the wrong tables.

6:01 P.M.
I venture outside for my first Ziploc bag break.

6:44 P.M.
I return to find that in addition to my current batch of evil-doers, I've also been sat with an obese family of two indistinguishable parents and their greasy, screaming offspring.

6:45 P.M.
I venture outside for my second Ziploc bag break.

6:50 P.M.
I return, properly prepared for the night at hand, unable to tell any of my customers apart.  I'm reminded of the new shoes I want to buy, so I get my act together and begin my own one-line co-star appearance as "Nice Waiter."

7:00 P.M. - 10 P.M.
After balancing my Ziploc break with four cups of coffee, I am flying around the restaurant like an ADHD kid in a Mountain Dew bottling factory.  I am no longer responsible for my actions, as caffeine is pulling the puppet strings.  I'm jumping away from tables before they can answer my question of "What would you like to drink?"  The restaurant has an hour wait for a table.  Every server is slammed.  I am a disgusting blend of sweat, liquor, cheap coffee, salsa stains and something I believe to be baby formula. 

10:00 P.M.
The very second that the hostess informs me that we're no longer on a wait, I begin bribing newer servers to take my current batch of customers so I can dodge my side work, lie about how much I need to tip-out the bartender, and kill the remnants of my Ziploc bag.

10:05 P.M.
Four different parties with varying numbers of Armenians request demand to be seated immediately.  We're back on a wait, and try as I might to bribe, blackmail and bitch my way out of dealing with any of the Armenians, I receive the pleasure of not one, but three of the large parties. 

10:10 P.M.
I make a general announcement - through my actions not my words - to everyone else on staff that I will be a nightmare of a bitch to deal with.  This both releases my aggression and teaches everyone a valuable lesson about not accepting my bribing, blackmailing, and bitching. 

10:11 P.M.
Everyone ignores me as they would a toddler throwing a fit in a grocery store.

10:11 P.M. - 1:45 A.M.
All the other servers have finished their side work and left for the night.  It's now me, one sleeping manager, a disgruntled bartender, and somewhere between 15 and 200 loud Armenians.  I begin playing a drinking game based on their behavior: Any time someone addresses me as "BRO" or asks if I'll run to the drug store to buy them an energy drink, I add another shot of tequila to their tab and consume it myself.

1:50 A.M.
By ringing a very large cow bell, which I've brought from home, I announce to all that it's "Last Call," and not even my own mother could convince me to serve another drink. 

2:00 A.M.
I drive home, chugging a kid's cup filled with three different types of cocktails.  Another shift, another headache.  But due to a "rehearsal," or "sickness," or "audition," or "date," or "death of a close high school acquaintance," I have finagled someone into covering my shift tomorrow. 

Comments

[Asa J.]

I heart you Bitter Waiter!! This gave me giggle tears!

[Mick G]

New to your blog and Facebook group but I LOVE it!!! Do you ever do stand-up or a live show or a reading or anything??

[mojo]

You drink more than anyone I've ever know. And while on the clock, no less!!

[rojopaul]

"I am flying around the restaurant like an ADHD kid in a Mountain Dew bottling factory. I am no longer responsible for my actions, as caffeine is pulling the puppet strings." ... HI.Larious.

[Jet]

"I make a general announcement - through my actions not my words - to everyone else on staff I will be a nightmare of a bitch to deal with."

HAHAHA! Just substitute "on staff" with "in this room/car/bus/school/church/mall"...Bitter Waiter has ALWAYS been a master at this. Seeing the magic happen in person is, though it's probably wrong, deeply satisfying...I suppose what I love about it is that, although I could never pull it off, SOMEONE is, and is getting away with it!

[Johnny]

Maybe it's just 'cause I saw Contagion, but I'll bet you run into all sorts of gross germs at your restaurant. Just sayin'

[Sweaty Noel]

The most accurate description of a waiting shift I've ever encountered. And this is why I finally decided the uncertainty of temping was better than an assured work schedule of waiting tables.

[Chris]

I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner, but you've got a bit of Chelsea Handler up in that loco nogin of yours.

[Shauna Morrissey]

DYING in laughter- you just made my day!!!!

[MM]

Good Lord, I can't imagine anything more dreadful. But you make it funnnny!!!!