Light! Camera! Asshole!

I recently had to deal with a pudgy, obnoxious F-list "celebrity" who apparently spent one season on an early '90s TV show I'd never heard of. 

"Do I look familiar?" he asked while staring blankly at me as I waited for him to order.

"Nope," I replied, tapping my pen even more impatiently.

"Oh," he sighed.  "I thought you were giving me that I-know-you-from-somewhere-look."

No.  This is my stop-staring-at-me-like-you're-epileptic-and-order look.

"You look very, very, very, very familiar to me," he said.  "Doesn't he look familiar to you??" he asked his dinner companion, an unfortunate-looking lass who spent her time quietly numbing the sound of this asshole's voice with alcohol.

"Uhhhm," she stuttered.  "No?"

"Maybe we worked together," he said.  "Oh I know!  Were you ever an extra on [name of TV series]?"

"Nope."

"The only reason I ask is because I did a brief stint on [name of TV series].  Well, HAHA, ok, I was a series regular, so I guess it wasn't just a brief stint."

"Right.  Oh wow, look at the time.  Were you two ready to order?"

"What was that dish JESSICA was telling me about?" he asked his friend.  "I think it's so funny they named a drink after her."

He looked at me, no doubt expecting me to inquire further.  I carefully examined my shirt for lint.

"It's just...I'm friends with JESSICA SIMPSON, because we did a movie together," he bragged.

Bitch, please.  I performed improvised dance routines to "Material Girl" in child talent shows at the Oklahoma State Fair that drew more critical acclaim than Jessica Simpson's acting career.  Talk to me when you've worked with someone whose "movies" aren't lining the bottom of a Wal-Mart bargain bin. 

"Have you waited on her?" he asked. 

"I think so," I said.  "I get all those where-are-they-now celebrities confused.  Anyway, were you two ready?"

After going on and on about some diet for some big audition for some alleged comeback, The Famous Actor and his companion decided to split an order of chicken fajitas.

I returned after the food was served to make my obligatory quality control cameo.

"Doing ok?" I asked while covering my ears.

"You know..." he said with a mouthful of chicken -- Whichever anecdote he was on the cusp of sharing was so important that it couldn't wait for him to chew. 

"...This (SMACK SMACK) reminds me of the yummy food I ate on set when I did an episode of [vaguely familiar TV series from the early 90s] (SMACK SMACK).  Maybe your restaurant did the catering for that show?"

"Oh I doubt it," I replied.  "The restaurant wasn't in business that long ago."

"Just shows you how long I've been a working actor," he said smugly.

Long enough to go completely unrecognized in broad daylight in a restaurant within two miles of five major studios.  How prolific.

 I cleared the plates, praying that someone would ask for the bill.  But no.

"What was that dessert that TIFFANI recommended?"

"Uhm...are you asking me?" I inquired.

"Yes!  You know, TIFFANI AMBER-THIESSEN?"

"How in the world would I know which dessert someone else recommended to you?"

"Well doesn't she come here all the time?" he asked incredulously.

"I've waited on her once," I said.  "And I don't remember what she ordered for dessert, if she even ordered dessert, or if she came dressed as a unicorn princess."

 "That's odd," he said.  "Normally people pay attention to what celebrities order.  I know when I go to [Restaurant of average quality and unjustified price in Beverly Hills] that the waiters always know my order.

Perhaps to expedite their experience with you. 

I stood there determined not to move a muscle to drive home the point of how indifferent and bored I was.

"So.  Any dessert?"

"No no," he said.  "Not with my big audition coming up.  You know, for AARON SORKIN?"

I rolled my eyes in slow motion and walked off.  I did overhear the big spender explain to his poor friend why he couldn't pay.  Something about "that big residual check" not having arrived yet.  She paid, and tipped me about 50 percent.  I'm sure this wasn't her first time to apologize for her has-been friend in the form of gratuity.

What I found most peculiar is that, even though his friend signed her credit card slip, he still signed the top of it and wrote "Thanks Chad!"

Ugh.  Actors...

Comments

[Jm]

Sounds like Andy Dick.

[suze]

I know it's late, but I'm betting Dustin Diamond!

[ubermouth]

LOL Christ, you'd think he was UBERMOUTH they way he carried on! :)

[Neurotic Workaholic]

I'm willing to bet that that guy did have the money to pick up the check, but he chose not to because he thinks a big "star" like him shouldn't have to pay.

[Jet]

What I love about Bitter Waiter is that he's so quotable!!

"Long enough to go completely unrecognized in broad daylight in a restaurant within two miles of five major studios. How prolific."

Bloody golden.

[Daniel]

I like when you get dishy. More Hollywood, please.

[Milia Mae]

LOL! He actually BRAGS about knowing Jessica Simpson and Tiffani Thiessen. Wow!

[Philly G]

You sure do get a lot of annoying industry types at this restaurant. Ick.

[Naughty Waitress]

Ha! Yeah who was he, who was he???

[Ryan]

Jessica Simpson and Tiffani Thiessen? Wow this guy has some really powerful friends.

[Sweaty Noel]

I like to imagine that he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses so as to be more incognito and eat his lunch undisturbed. You know, what with being in such close proximity to so many studios 'n all...

[chris]

"Bitch, please. I performed improvised dance routines to "Material Girl" in child talent shows at the Oklahoma State Fair that drew more critical acclaim than Jessica Simpson's acting career. Talk to me when you've worked with someone whose "movies" aren't lining the bottom of a Wal-Mart bargain bin."

If this is true, PLEASE GOD tell me someone videotaped this!!!

[MM]

Ok. I'll ask. Who was he and which show(s)??