It was a dark and rainy night.
Because of the slow shift, the manager was 10 minutes away from letting me leave early. And then came the queens, a pair of them. Both barely 21, both clad in tight wife beaters (despite the inclement weather), and both bound and determined to frost my cookies.
I approached.
"Hello, how are..."
"CA REE MA, CA REE MA, NO HE CA REE MAAA POKA FAAAACCCCCE!"
They were singing Lady Gaga. They might as well have been in black face with swastiska tattoos while holding up pictures of aborted fetuses, and nothing could have offended me more than being interrupted by Lady Gaga.
The twinkies - one blond and blue, the other caramel and hazel - hummed and sang their way through the evening, and though I'm sure they have perfect pitch in their heads, the end result sounded more like a gang bang in a bird house.
"Anything to drink?" I inquired, interrupting one of Caramel's seamless vocal runs.
"Mmmmm," Blondie responded, looking at me like I was a bag of coke. "I want sumthin' fruity and strong, giggle giggle giggle!"
"Mmmmm, me too!!!!!! Giggle giggle giggle!" Caramel responded.
"Giggle giggle giggle!" they exlaimed in unison.
I stood paralyzed with anxiety, hoping they'd mistake me for an inanimate object and leave me be.
"Mmmmm, so whatta you like to drink girl?" Blondie asked me.
"I prefer vodka, shaken with ice, a splash of grapefruit juice and two ounces of crushed Oxycotin."
"Mmmmm, we'll take....TWO...DA-QUEERIES!!!" Caramel squealed. "Giggle giggle giggle!!!!!!"
Instead of correcting his apropos mispronunciation, I exited and brainstormed for a few seconds on how I could have fun with these two song birds. I rang in two virgin daquiries, garnished the hell out of them, and returned.
"Mmmmm, girl this is SO...strong!" Blondie giggled.
"Mmmmm, I know!" Caramel agreed.
You fools. Only one of us has had a drop of alcohol in the last 30 seconds, and it's the one with sleeves.
"Were you two ready to ord..."
"ALE-ALEJANDRO, ALE-ALEJANDRO, ALE-ALEJANDROOOOOOHHHAAAYEEEEEAAHH-HAHAAEEEEAHYEEEEEESSS!" Caramel concentrated on this vocal riff, one hand over his ear, as Blondie anticipated his turn to enter this acapella double dutch.
"If you need me, I'll be holding sizzling fajita platters over my ears in the kitchen," I said.
After several more rounds of non-alcoholic pink drinks, the boys summoned me.
"Mmmmm, I think you might need to call us a cab," Caramel said. "Unless you want to give us a ride home, giggle giggle giggle!"
"Why don't I bring the bill first?"
And then you two can wheelbarrow each other home for all I care.
I presented their tab.
"Mmmmm, girl, this bill CHEAP!" Blondie said.
"Mmmmm, yeah girl, good thing, 'cause we'll need the extra money for a CAB!" Caramel replied.
"Giggle giggle giggle!"
The boys paid for their $20 tab with exact change and no tip. I relied on my oft-used trick of pretending to call a cab and then watching them wait outside. And even though that cab never came, at no point did those two ever stop singing.
I made myself my aforementioned drink of choice, helped myself to the fruit from the garnish tray, and prayed to God I'd get Gaga out of my head before bed time.
You can't spell "Gaga" without gag. And you can't spell "uncontrollable laughter so that my coworkers think I'm a crazy person" without Bitter Waiter.
Posted by: jeremy | June 15, 2011 at 08:15 AM
I've always wondered, are you male or female?
Posted by: Mariela Chavez | June 12, 2011 at 01:29 AM
A brilliant effort, once again.
I know this will ruffle your feathers, but I once had a similar experience in NYC with two Madonna fans I could not stand. They're the worst :)
Posted by: RJG | June 10, 2011 at 04:52 PM
mmmmm.....mmmmm.....all the way around!
Posted by: anne H | June 10, 2011 at 09:27 AM
CA REE MA is the best interpretation of song lyrics. Ever.
Posted by: Chris | June 09, 2011 at 07:32 PM
In my head they are doing V like from True Blood.
Posted by: Jessica | June 09, 2011 at 04:18 PM
You don't like Gaga?? THIS coming from a man who, during his adolescent years, was upset that Toni Basil's entire discography only extended to one record (which was later repackaged as "Greatest Hits")??
I love you, Bitter Waiter.
Posted by: Jet | June 09, 2011 at 03:43 PM
I love the idea of them standing outside, waiting for a cab that will never come. It would be poetic were it not for the association with Gaga.
Posted by: Rachel | June 09, 2011 at 02:21 PM
You don't like Gaga?!?!?!?!?!?!
Posted by: Jose | June 09, 2011 at 12:30 PM
You should have convinced them how "fierce" they'd look if they affixed some of the fajita meat to themselves.
Posted by: Michael | June 09, 2011 at 08:55 AM
So good this week! My favorite time of the day is bitter waiter time.
Posted by: Whitney | June 09, 2011 at 08:44 AM
Great idea for a cocktail!!!!
Posted by: MM | June 09, 2011 at 08:43 AM
Love it!!! You are the BEST my Love!!!
Posted by: Ally Ayers | June 09, 2011 at 08:43 AM
ROTFLMAO @ "gang rape in a bird house." You're one sick fuck. Love it.
Posted by: Josh P | June 09, 2011 at 08:34 AM