DO...
Do plan for a long evening. I suggest two flasks (one in each front pocket, but never the back pockets, as those are easily seen by management), and at least one back-up mini bottle (available at most convenience stores) in the crotch or tush areas of your underwear. This is mandatory, and balk now as you might at my suggestion, by midnight the only thing remaining in your panties will be desperation.
Do bring ear plugs. True, you won't hear your customers' requests, but you'll also be blissfully oblivious to the sounds of the cheap mariachi band whose musical cue is any time you speak.
Do slap that dumb bitch who insists you wear a sombrero. Insist she wear a girdle.
Do address any inquiries as to why a non-Mexican is a server at a Mexican restaurant. Sit down and explain in great detail all the thought that goes into hiring servers at an establishment such as yours. Apologize for not being Mexican, and pay one of the kitchen staff to stand in for you as server. Take a well-deserved break with your flask while your customers enjoy the now completely authentic experience of Cinco de Mayo.
Do add automatic gratuity to every party as the night goes on. You'll never see people as drunk as they are tonight, and I promise you management is too busy keeping a head count to stave off over-capacity threats to notice.
Do oblige those obnoxious yet boring people from the paper clip company who only dine in public once a year. Shake your maracas, speak in a Spanish accent, act like you're having the time of your life. At the end of the night, you get to go home. Those people will still be themselves in the morning. Pity them.
DON'T...
Don't be too nice to that table of paper clip pushers. Shortly after they've bought your act about being their buddy, they'll try to milk this feigned camaraderie for free shots or staying after last call. Send a message. For every two nice things you say or do, balance those gestures with something definitively bitchy, like storming away from the table mid-sentence, or passively aggressively insulting Gertrude's kitty cat blouse.
Don't drink the cheap tequila. Ever. You might be their server, but if anyone offers you a shot of anything that begins with "Jose" and ends with "Cuervo," slap yourself if you consider accepting. You could make better tequila in your bath tub with rubbing alcohol and the tears of a homeless man.
Don't share your alcohol with anyone. As much as you might love Sean, the awkward new server with a penchant for quoting Encino Man in between picks of his nose, Sean should have been smarter and brought his own roadie to work. Fuck Sean, he is now dead weight.
Don't E-VER acknowledge anyone who says he or she will "hook you up" if you go out of your way to accommodate him/her. They won't. Just like "I didn't inhale" and "I swear I'll pull out," "I'll hook you up" is a lie that men tell to mask their true intentions. And in this case, the true intentions involve putting a cute little cap on you and making you play a musical instrument for the amusement of people who can't even spell amusement.
Don't eat. Sure, that extra order of beef tacos sounds appealing, but it will only stand in the way of you numbing the pain of the night with the party in your pants (flasks and travel bottles, natch).
Don't stay a second longer than you should. I don't care if the owners up and announce a free trip to Hawaii for the server with the tidiest section at the end of the night, you get your ass home and in the company of a sleeping pill, stat. All the whores in Rio shouldn't be able to convince you to remain in that habitat of horror any longer than necessary. Run. It's 2 am and the restaurant is closed. You've made your money. Now go laugh at all the people receiving DUIs on your way home.
Welcome back! I've missed your wit ;)
Posted by: Chris | May 06, 2011 at 06:58 AM
Love this - you are back for sure!
Posted by: anne H | May 05, 2011 at 07:41 PM
Oh the ANGUISH of reliving those nights!!!!
Posted by: Bitchy Waitress | May 05, 2011 at 05:35 PM
ROTFLMAO @ "Just like "I didn't inhale" and "I swear I'll pull out," "I'll hook you up" is a lie that men tell to mask their true intentions."
Posted by: MM | May 05, 2011 at 02:29 PM