Last week I waited on a group of six ignorant white teens from some Kentucky town of 200 where Caveman Speak was still the preferred language, spoken by both animals and humans alike.
The girl on the far right closest to me could have been an extra in any zombie film. It would appear that learning the alphabet in Mother's Day Out was enough to max her brain, and her facial expressions were limited to either "I'm bored" or "Where's the kitty?"
When it came time to take her order, I said in a very slow, understanding voice,"What would you like...to EAT?"
She gave me a patently blank look, held her hand to her mouth, spit out her gum, and casually placed the gum in my open hand. I was stunned. Her friends had been too busy chasing their tails to see what transpired. This was a moment that zombie girl and I shared.
I looked at her, and she looked back at me like a Cocker Spaniel who's indifferent to the pile of shit on the kitchen floor.
I tossed the gum into her open dinner napkin, said "Oh thank you," and ran off to tell every co-worker on the clock. I did not return to the table until the barbarians used both smoke signals and cave drawings to indicate that they were ready to return to their underground city.
They seemed confused when I said, "I'll be your cashier when you're ready to pay," as if there had been some previously discussed trade of one of the table's virgins in exchange for food and drink. They figured out the math, even adding an 18% tip, and left.
Zombie girl and I locked eyes one last time. I glared at her with the hatred of a hundred savages. She stared blankly at me, then stared blankly at one of the rotating ceiling fans (no doubt frightened by the voodoo magic).
As she left, she popped in a new stick of chewing gum, which undoubtedly found its way into the hand of an unsuspecting gas station worker or passerby on the street.
I offer my most insincere apologies for my unexpected hiatus. Therefore, I won't waste a minute in pursuing my vigilante efforts of unmasking imbeciles & offenders of the service industry.
Today's special guest star? People who claim to be on a strict diet, yet eat at a fatty Mexican restaurant.
Though our delusional owners claim that our menu offers "healthy, low-fat" Mexican cuisine, one look at some of our menu options would lead you to believe differently.
For instance, our "Queso Fundido" is a large plate of four different mixed cheeses, melted together, and meant to be consumed with salty chips and flour tortillas.
Now that just screams diet to me. Your "after" picture is right around the corner...
Or better yet, feel comfortable stepping on the scale after wolfing down our "Pollo Gariando," a diseased-looking chicken breast smothered with four different cheeses, served with mashed potatoes and vegetables soaked in more butter than Paris Hilton at a Friday night gang bang.
And yet it happens every night. Hundreds flock to our restaurant under the impression that they can lose weight and still eat greasy, cheesy Mexican bar food.
One of the most notable people to perpetuate this myth is my favorite F-list celebrity Jessica Simpson. Years ago, she and her monosyllabic jock de jour would frequent the place and (in an effort to make a "no carb" margarita), she would order:
1) lime juice
3) two shots of Patron Silver tequila
4) three packets of splenda
This concoction, which she would make at her table with the grace of a three-year-old at a lemonade stand, later found a place on our menu as "The Jessica Simpson Margarita," boasting "NO carbs" and "NO sugar."
Given the ease with which people believe this blatant lie, I might as well start telling customers that our black beans, if planted into the ground, can create a beanstalk so tall you can climb up to a giant's house and have him chase you around magic unicorn fields.
Just because diets have evolved into a nauseating trend, certain facts still remain. Cheese will ALWAYS be fattening! Items such as lime juice and tequila DO contain carbs and sugar! Or better yet...you will not magically lose weight just because an ill-informed restaurant owner promises you that his food is "health-conscious!"
Last night I waited on two barges who informed me that 2009 was their year to diet (while it looked more to me like 2009 was their year to use each other as furniture).
They ordered a *pitcher* of Jessica Simpson margaritas (enough to constitute your recommended calorie intake for 1.5 days, no lie), split a chicken caesar salad (with fatty rotisserie chicken instead of grilled chicken), and for their entree, they split a plate of STEAK NACHOS (but without sour scream to avoid those unwanted fat rolls come beached-whale season).
I've heard people say that "the best way to diet is to not diet at all." Based on my experiences with the overweight and delusional, I'd say that's the most popular diet of all.