The Five People You Meet in Hell, part four

(i.e. "The Five Dumbest People I've Waited on All Month.")

4. White trash Brittany and poser cohort

You can imagine the fine clientele that my restaurant attracts on Monday evenings, when all food is 30% off. Every cliche, minority and starving lower-class family endure the almost-hour-long wait in a scene straight out of Schindler's List, all to save a couple dollars on Mexican food.

And inevitably, before I drop the check at least five people different people will ask:

"Now the discount's already added in, right?"

I assure them, with my stoic disgust, that it is. In most restaurant situations, the customer feels he/she has the upper hand. Not so on Monday nights, when I can sense the desperation and penny-pinching. I almost feed off the misery of the broke.

Last Monday, Brittany and her boyfriend/gay partner/tragic poser friend came in to split one beef burrito, two waters, and a never-ending supply of gratis chips and salsa. I could smell their bad tip coming from a mile away, as evidenced by their complete lack of manners and deodorant.

I begrudgingly refilled their waiters (to no "Thank you," of course) and made 5 or 6 trips to refill the chip basket that their dirty little hands couldn't empty quickly enough.

The total for this grand feast came to $7.57. Brittany paid using her credit card and left no tip of any sort, just a salsa smudge and the parting refrain of her Rite Aid knock-off perfume.

This is Brittany's myspace profile. Finally, you can see what I have to deal with. Notice the painfully self-proclaimed depth, the inevitable angst and loneliness, the myriad of misspelled words, and the awfully misinformed nickname "Penny Lane."

Thanks Brittany! Always remember that Taco Bell is a few miles north of my restaurant with a menu tailored much more to someone of your class, intellect and financial status.

Comments

[Bitter Waiter]

Damn, Aly, you need a blog of your own! That was brilliant. Any time you want to be a Guest Blogger, let me know. Just kidding. This site is all about me.

[Al]

Why do I have a feeling Miss Brittany's goal in life is to be in a Faster Pussycat video? Need to tell you one of my personal favorites in a top five of asshole customers ... I work in an outside beach joint which gives small little fuckers (excuse me - children) crayons. I just adore the parents who just beam down at their mini Picasso's scribbling all over the tables instead of the giant butcher paper placemats we have provided for obviously NOT THEIR CHILDREN. When I offer the budding artist a new placemat the parent inevitably declines and says something to the effect about not discouraging Jackoff Pollack's creativity by staying in the lines. Fuck staying in the lines, let's stay off the damn furniture! Oh, and thanks for that 10% tip so after you leave I can spend 30 minutes scrubbing off the masterpiece with Lysol for the next time you choose to come in to torment me because "You were just the nicest server we have had on Spring Break in a long time, Thanks!" Yeah, Bite Me. I guess you could call me bitter waitress today.